The Raving Mute

Lawyer Talk; an Interview

2011-08-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

Lawyer Talk; an Interview
Interviewer: Ms Todaroja, you are a well known highly paid lawyer; yet on occasion you take a case on a pro-bono basis. Is that out of a sense of altruism?
Ms Todaroja: you bet, for myself that is. The only pro-bonos I take are so high profile I get more free advertisement out of it than even I can afford.
Interviewer: Do you have any future pro-bonos in mind?
Ms Todaroja: I was angling for that sick twist in Arizona who shot all those people but some other hungry bitch beat me out. It really sucks too. I’ll bet she scores a book deal and movie rights out of it to boot.
Interviewer: Moving on, you have recently petitioned the World Court to reopen the cases of those men convicted of war crimes at Nuremburg in 1946. Why?
Ms Todaroja: For the money, why else besides, there is no statute of limitation on correcting an injustice
Interviewer: But they are all so long dead. Who is paying your fee?
Ms Todaroja: My clients are the descendants of those members of the Third Reich who were so falsely accused and so wrongly convicted. They want me to get the verdicts overturned and t5herby vindicate the memories of their ancestors by restoring their honor and good names.
Interviewer: How dare you deny that the Holocaust happened or are you claiming that they were not the ones responsible?
Ms Todaroja: Both, not only did it never happen, they weren’t even the guys who did it.
Interviewer: Do you also deny the existence of the death camps like Auschwitz?
Ms Todaroja: I don’t deny their existence, only their mischaracterization as “death camps.” They were in fact protective enclaves designed to provide sanctuary for those members of society who chose to sit out the war in safety and comfort.
Interviewer: Well if they “chose” to be there then why these “protective enclaves” were surrounded by electrified barb wire and armed gun towers?
Ms Todaroja: To prevent overcrowding by keeping out those who did not want to wait for more sanctuaries to be completed for their benefit.
Interviewer: Really? Not about the “comfort.” Do you consider shoddy wooden shacks with dirty floors, no heat in the dead of winter and nothing but hard boards to sleep on comfortable?
Ms Todaroja: Another mischaracterization. They were in fact luxury townhouses where in each suite was appointed with wall to wall carpeting, central air and ergonomically firm mattresses.
Interviewer: Then what about the enforced slave labor where they were worked beyond the point of exhaustion?
Ms Todaroja: Strictly a voluntary program of exercise for those guests who chose not to avail themselves of the tennis courts. Rowing lake and riding stables provided for them.
Interviewer: Then what about the systematic starvation of you’re so called “guests,” what was that?
Ms Todaroja: Individualized diets to prevent obesity in those guests who chose not to exercise at all and instead spent all their time playing chess or lounging at the poolside behind the country club.
Interviewer: This is outrageous how can you even say these things with a straight face?
Ms Todaroja: I’m a lawyer…
Interviewer: Well then what about the gas chambers, what were they?
Ms Todaroja: state of the art chemically enhanced showers to promote proper hygiene.
Interviewer: And the crematorium?
Ms Todaroja: An oversized brick oven whose sole purpose was the baking of kosher bread and other ethnic cuisines to ensure that the cultural requirements of the guests were adhered to.
Interviewer: Then why did so many people die in these camps? How do you account from the millions of people that ceased to exist?
Ms Todaroja: I don’t because they didn’t. According to my sources the number of deaths was the same as the actuarial for a modern day community. Just one to each person. I also have a sworn affidavit from my forensic pathologist attesting to the fact that of the very few deaths which did occur, not a single one could be attr5ibuted to anything other than natural causes.
Interviewer: But the films! We all saw them. When the allies entered the camps the thousands of emaciated dead bodies being pushed by the bulldozers into open pits. How can you explain that?
Ms Todaroja: A total fabrication. The allies flew in a high tech team from Warner Bros. who used their expertise in special effects to create images of something which never happened. So as you see, if the pit does not fit then you must acquit. Hey! I like the sound of that. I think I’ll use it
Interviewer: But seriously, you don’t really expect to win this case do you?
Ms Todaroja: I not only expect to win it, I guaranty it. I’ve been a lawyer for over twenty years and I’ve never lost a case yet.
Interviewer: Not so! According to “my” sources you’ve lost more than half your cases. In fact your last client is doing life without parole. What about him?
Ms Todaroja: That’s his problem. The only way that “I” can lose is if I don’t get paid. And I always demand my fee up front. Then I tack on every “legal expense” I can think up along the way. By the time I get done with the mark, I mean client it ends up costing him at least double what he thought it would cost. You would be surprised at how much it costs for a secretary to open a letter and file it these days.
Interviewer: So your client goes to jail for life and you walk away with his money? How is that fair?
Ms Todaroja: What has fair got to do with it? Besides I’m willing to pile endless appeals on his behalf, until he bleeds out that is. Then he can go get himself a public defender. That is his right you know.
Interviewer: I see. What about your liability cases? Why is it your clients never get amount they thought they would receive?
Ms Todaroja: It’s the nature of the beast. You always file for some ridiculous amount of damages because one never knows but since most of these cases are dogs you take what you can get and walk on.
Interviewer: When you say a case is a “dog” what does that mean?
Ms Todaroja: It means that either your client’s injuries are bogus or even worse the target has short money and limited coverage; I have a number of such cases pending at the present. Every one of them is in my “dead file” and that’s where they’re going to stay until Fido gets so desperate that he accepts the original offer. Then I walk away with my 33% plus expenses and I didn’t have to lift a finger to earn it. It’s all about knowing which of these cases are even worth taking. Like a lion sitting on a hilltop observing a herd of wildebeests and singling out the cripples. Public institutions like schools and hospitals fall into that category. They are the easiest pray as they always have an “insurance fund” that they will let you take a bit out of no matter how frivolous your suit is just to get you to go away. After all why should they care? It’s not their money.
Interviewer: And that’s how you make a living?
Ms Todaroja: Not really but it does help pay the rent. The only guys who get the fat off the kennel club are the dog catchers. You know those grafters who interrupt the continuity of you TV show every 7 minutes with their Mr. sincere act telling you that if you got hurt in any way even if you did it to yourself somebody owes you money and how they want to fight for your rights. Even those boys are lucky if they see a rainmaker more than once every few weeks but since they deal in volume or even better, class action they make out all right. That is unless one of their clients happens to find out where they live.
Interviewer: That’s what I don’t understand. How can you avoid dealing with these clients until they reach the point where they will accept any settlement that suits you?
Ms Todaroja: Say what? Hello! MacFly, is anybody home? Did you ever, even once in your life call a lawyer to discuss the status of your case and his secretary was able to figure out if he was sitting right there or in court that day or not available until after she got you r name then put you on hold to check to see if he was in? Who do you think she was checking with sparky?
Interviewer: I have to say this whole business sounds very cynical to me.
Ms Todaroja: that’s only because you’ve been spoon fed of Perry Mason, Matlock and other Hollywood pipe dreams and you have no idea how the advocacy system really works.
Interviewer: Isn’t it supposed to be a search for the truth where in both sides are represented to get a fair hearing?
Ms Todaroja: In theory yes, but thanks to me and many others just like me in every facet of the legal system it has evolved into quite a different thing.
Interviewer: Can you explain how it really works?
Ms Todaroja: Sure, first comes the judge who usually just a politically appointed stooge more inclined to rule in favor of his bosses agenda than on any point of law and then try to justify his ruling by citing some obscure legal precedent which doesn’t even relate to the case. In the trade we refer to it as the “9th circuit two step” and if you don’t have the right client it’s a lock. Next comes the prosecutor, an ambitious alpha dog more concerned with his career advancement in politics that with whether or not the defendant is even guilty. We call that one “Nifonging the Piñata” although in this case it didn’t work out the way he planned it. He did however show great promise for a career in politics. Lastly comes me. My role is to maliciously trash the victims family, accuses every witness for the prosecution of lying, yell “junk science” every time a piece of evidence is introduced, then come up with the most preposterous alternative theory I can even create which points the finger at everyone but my client and just hope that there is at least one person on the jury who is stupid enough to believe that I made a case for reasonable doubt.
Interviewer: I find it hard to believe what you are saying. Aren’t you extraditing using infrequent aberrations to describe the process?
Ms Todaroja: Well maybe, but didn’t you ever wonder why there is so much pre-trial posturing and strategizing? Half of these cases are won or lost during overdrive or by getting the right venue. After that the trial is just a formality. A circus maximus designed to provide voyeur entertainment for the unwashed and an outlet for those seeking vicarious atonement for their own inner thoughts. If you don’t think so just check out the Jose defense strategy and the spectacle that took place outside the courthouse. The only thing missing from that scene was the guy selling the little Lindbergh ladders.
Interviewer: And that is how the advocacy system really works?
Ms Todaroja: Pretty much, if you throw in a convenient jail house confession sworn to have been heard by some cell mate snitch looking to buy a walk and a shit load of expert witnesses willing to sell their reputations to either side for a pay check you’ve just about got it. I really liked that expert witness who listed in credentials that he had performed over 50,000 autopsies. That was a good one; lucky for him that there were no math majors sitting at the prosecution table that day.
Interviewer: I really can’t think of anything else to ask so I guess this interview is over unless you have something else you would like to add.
Ms Todaroja: Only this, it’s called the Lawyers Anthem.
If you get busted
Don’t fret and fear
Just dial 1-800 shyster and I will appear
To fight for your rights
To help you stay free
But only for as long as you pay my fee
Accepted by the courts, first rule of the lawyers bar
The more money you have the more innocent you are
But should you run out of coin your woes will have just begun
Or as the second rules says, put a fork in him he’s done
So don’t worry about it and have yourself a good sleep
And just remember one thing.
Justice doesn’t come cheap.

T.R.M
P.S. While Shakespeare may have had it right Archie Bunker said it better. “I don’t need a lawyer I’ve already been robbed.”

Theater of the Absurd

2011-08-25T06:33:00.000-07:00

Theater of the Absurd
Hollywood is making a sequel to the old classic “Advise and Consent” about congress and its workings. Unfortunately the title “A Thousand Clowns” has already been used so it will be called the “excellent adventures of Anthony’s Weener.” Here are my choices as to who should play the parts
The members will be played by
1) President Obama /Alfred E Newman just put their two pictures side by side and you’ll see why. What? Me Worry?
2) George Bush #2/Slip Mahoney from “the east side boys” He has the same command of language the likes to slap his subordinates around with his hat
3) Eric Holder-The Sham-Wow boy. Similar ethics and he has the same lean and hungry look. I like it not
4) Dick Chaney/ Ming the Merciless. You’d have to be an old movie buff to get this one but it works
5) John McCain/Alvin the Chipmunk. It’s that left cheek that seals the deal
6) Nancy Pelosi/Mrs. Olsen from Little House on the Prairie fits to a t. In fact it might even be her
7) Sarah Palin/Sarah Palin. Who else? Annie Oakley is dead and does anyone really think that she would share the spotlight with another woman?
8) Janette Napolitano/Moe from the three stooges. He has a better hair cut but his methods and the results are about the same. Say1 Ms Jan! Why don’t you try clicking your heels together 3 times and just keep saying I wish that the borders were safer than ever.
9) Donald Trump/Hugh Heffner. The only man alive with the same size ego and inflated opinion of himself who truly believes that every man wishes he was him. (Count how many times he says “I” in his interviews.)
10) John Edwards and Big Arnold/Both parts played by Charlie Sheen as he has been working hard practicing for the role.
11) Barney Frank/Daffy duck. He has the speech impediment and makes just as much sense when he spritzes.
12) Anthony Weiner/ Pee Wee Herman. In more ways than one there are many in D.C. on both sides of the aisle with the same Beavis and Butthead juvenile outlook about sex as Anthony. His problem was that
He thought he was so cool, could break any rule
Free to act like a fool, by showing off his tool
Then when caught in the act, claimed he wasn’t the one
Tried to deny the fact, with a foolish lie spun
But a picture speaks louder, that old smoking gun
So now Anthony’s prospects, have petered down to one
Or to put it more plainly, put a fork in him. He’s done
13) Newt Gingrich/Nobody. He’s too insignificant to even play a role. You have to be somebody before you can be a has been and for the P.C. crowd to have a something to feign indignation about. This one is for you boys, Ooops I mean “persons.”
14) The Rent’s Too Damn High guy/Uncle Remus. They have the two fliest beards I ever saw. Oh, Oh! Hope I don’t lose my job over that one. Hey. Wait a minute! I don’t even have a job. Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah

The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook

2011-05-31T06:49:00.001-07:00

The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook
1. Abortion, an emotionally charged issue about which you couldn’t give a shit less but for public relation sake must take a stand on. Just poll your constituency to learn what your unshakable moral beliefs are on this issue (See I voted for it before I voted against it by John Kerry.)
2. Backlash-what you cause when you speak off the cuff instead of off the teleprompter (see Bushism and Biden’s tourettes by Helen Thomas.)
3. Colleague-someone who may sell you out for a plea bargain before you can do it to him (see my dearest friend by Sammy the Bull)
4. Deficit Spending-A seemingly paradoxical concept but one which can be proven mathematically that if you keep raising the debt ceiling then borrowing and spending as fast as you can it will at some point lower the national debt, reduce taxes, cure unemployment and halt inflation (see Snowjob from Ms Nancy’s financial cookbook, like Heisenburg’s uncertainty principal it can not be understood by simple logic so just take her word for it.)
5. Earmarks-something you rail against in public while hoping no one calls you on the one that you slid into the pack (just in case see the song remains the same by the G.O.P.)
6. Ethnic Pride-what you call t when any member of a minority group expresses a preference for his own culture or candidate. When whitey does it, its called racism (see double standard our mantra from the P.C. Bible.)
7. Fall Back Position-Plausible deniability and internal investigation are just two of the many weasel outs which you will learn as you go along so lets skip the rest and go to you last hole card. It’s called “yoir dire” and remember that a good jury selection consultant is worth his weight in gold (see it only takes one by Blago) “Has anyone checked this jurors bank account lately? Just Saying.”
8. Graft-an archaic pejorative word used to describe how hard working public servant supplement their income. The correct word is donation or consultancy fee (see it beats the shit out of gold from the Congressional Retires News Letter)
9. Health Care Reform-A ponderous compilation of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is something in there for each of us to buy votes by either touting it or raging against it (see we have to pass it for you to see what’s in it another gem from the wit and wisdom of Ms Nancy.)
10. Holistic Approach-A blah blah phrase you use to make a problem sound more complicated than it is when it is not in your interest to solve it (see playing the gestalt card by senator comprehensive solutions.)
11. Imminent Domain-just ask a Cherokee, he’ll tell you exactly what it means and how it works too (see lets treat them all like Injuns by Denise hasted.)
12. Misquote-What you accuse other of doing to you when you don’t think they have a tape of what you said (see I never said that by take your pick)
13. Misspoke-A palliative word used to apologize for being a lying douchebag when the tape shows up (see you TV by the gotcha boys.)
14. Nexus-Like onus or in perpetuity this is a word you should use as often as possible because you think it makes you sound more intelligent that you actually are, It’s almost as good as Vis A Vis (see don’t be a bombastard by Bill O’Reilly)
15. Political correctness-a Nouveau religion whose disciples will wage Jihad against anyone who fails to worship at their alter. Watch out for these zealots as they can end a career before it starts (see no god but our god by the A.C.L.U.)
16. Quango-A criminal organization paid to help rig voter registration while posing as a nonpartisan charity (see ACORN it saved by job by Harry Vegas.)
17. Robust-like gin up, onus, nexus, Vis a Vis, and others over used words you think it makes you sound intelligent (see patronizing the proles by take your pick.)
18. Statistics-A meaningless morass of numbers that you can make say anything you want although it’s much easier to just make up your own as you go along (see half truths are more convenient by Al Gore.) Reducing CO2 emissions is a valid cause, however the movement has been co-opted by the self serving special interest boys more concerned with profiting from their “green product” investments than with whether or not these products even provide a feasible solution. If you look into the cost (to you) in the government subsidies and to the environment in pollutants involved in the production/distillation of gas you’ll see what that’s about. So either take back the movement or don’t worry and be happy, they’ll solve the problem form us. Don’t they always? Actually in many cases they do, but only after the people become agitated enough to rise.
19. Symposium-A junk-jet with hot chicks, free booze and lobbyists that will beard you if that’s what it takes (see forty years on the gravy train by Charles Rangle.)
20. Transparency-Ironically it’s probably the only campaign promise that you’ll ever keep because in spite of your best efforts at some point the public will see right through you which is after all the definition of transparency (see it’s all about image by team Obama.)
21. Veto-A muscular hairy chest guy sporting an open shirt who thinks every woman with a good rack wants to be his goo-mah (see I sold a lot of records fronting as one by Tom Jones.) I dedicate #21 to the P.C. Police, Yo! Dudes! Lighten the fuck up! You really are insufferable.
The Raving Mute

The Annoying peoples Award-"why not? they give them for everything else?" a Ranking from 1-10

2011-02-07T07:50:00.000-08:00

1. The young couple in the restaurant who thinks that their out of control, rampaging little weasel is as cute and entertaining to everyone else as he is to them (well maybe he is, but only in a photograph.) I give them a 3 since most of us have been there ourselves.

2. The woman in the work place cafeteria who talks incessantly about her pet, always refers to it by its breeder given name. "Say Angie? have you ever been seriously bitch slapped?" I give her and Molly, her three-year-old papillon a 4.

3.The guy who does the same thing with his car. "Yo, I can't meet with you today dude; I have to take my Mercedes to my mechanic to have it detailed." "Really? Should I alert the mechanic you dick?" He gets a 4 too, you know equal rights.

4. The scruffy looking looser hanging out in front of the strip mall who has an insatiable curiosity as to whether or not you have any "spare change." "Gee I dont know, let me check. Lets see, when I had breakfast this morning it cost $9.20, I gave the girl a ten and she gave me back 80 cents. Nope. That worked out just right. Sorry dude no spare change." Try that sometime, you can't believe how great it feels. I gave him a 5 due to the state of the economy although he'd probably be there in good times too.

5.The guy who is so convinced that out of all the thousands of religions in the world his alone is the only true path to salvation. Therefore, it is incumbent upon him to knock on your door on Saturday morning in order to give you the opportunity to become one of the glassy eyed zombies of the saved. (What can you even say to this tool that would make a difference? He means well, he just doesn't get it that I never will. He gets a 5 unless he keeps coming back. Perhaps we should be grateful that he choses a passive religion rather than one which requires him to kill non-believers to buy his way into heaven (if you get my drift.)

6.The horizontally challenged vacationer who goes out of his way to secure an aisle seat in the front of the plane so the moment it stops at the gate he can leap up and block the entire aisle with his humongous super-sized ass while he spends the next five minutes struggling incompetently to dislodge his ridiculously overstuffed steamer trunk from the overhead. "Hey! He's in a hurry and doesn't like to be held up by other people." If you have ever been on a snowbird flight then you know what I am talking about. A solid 6

7.The little tough guy in front of you in the deli breakfast line, who takes out his cell, calls his work site and proceeds to berate his crew in an overly loud and profane manner. "I'll tell you what dipshit, I'll fucking be there in fifteen fucking minutes and that fucking project better be well fucking under way or I'm going to kick some ass." (While he keeps glancing around to see if everyone is duly impressed with how large and in charge he is.) I wonder if there is even someone on the other end of the line. Or if it's possible that this guy could actually be an even bigger asshole than he appears to be. He gets upwards of a 6 depending on how early it is, and what you have to look forward to for the rest of the fucking day.

And the Winner Is:
8. The self appointed road marshal who drives in the left hand or passing lane on the parkway at exactly 55 miles per house while making sure he keeps pace with the cars on his right because, "afterall, its the law! And besides there is no reason for anyone to go faster anyway." Boy does this hump need to ride "Old Sparky." I'd flip the switch on him myself if no one else volunteered. In fact, this man may be the last remaining valid arguement for capital punisment in a civilized society. He gets the 10.

Addendum
A small consolation award for a lifetime of services, you know, sort of like the Oscar The Duke got.
9. Your septuagenarian neighbor who hands out at the end of his driveway by his mailbox as if someone would actually send him something of importance. And whom you must avoid eye contact with, unless you want to spend the next half an hour listening to how the world has been going down hill since Frankie Valley went off the charts. "Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wah, walk like a man my Sah-Uh-Uh-Un." I used to tell my relatives, Jesus if I ever get like that, please shoot me, but now i have to change my tune. Such is the march of time.

The Raving Mute

Law Man

2010-10-10T10:38:00.001-07:00

"Law Man"
And it sure ain’t Marshall Dan Troop

In the department of Justice, I am the boss
To pick and to choose, which laws to enforce
I use the law like a black jack, to achieve my client’s ends
Other times as a barrier, to shield his friends
No action to sleazy, to disadvantage the opposition
Or too morally objectionable to provide his friends remission
I can negate any subpoena, since it’s I who decides
If they be valid, no not bona fide
The same with a summons, I just throw them away
Because I speak what’s law, and you got no say
I love how it feels, it makes my heart sing
Every lawyer’s wet dream, such a beautiful thing
You can look all you want, but you’ll never see
A more partisan weasel, than one such as me
Remember those candidates, who each got a bribe call?
I covered that on up easy, took no action at all
Voter intimidation in Philly, on video caught
So I had to work from the shadows, to reduce charges brought
My best work was for ACORN, it was a massive voter fraud
I had to call in markers on that one, get the whole crew on board
Stonewalled investigation, we held down the fort
Until it passed into history, public memory so short
I pimp for illegal’s, by using the law
Run interference for them, keys to the back door
True they add to the crime rate, sometimes with acts savage
But not in my gated community, so it’s just collateral damage
Drain social services too, more than some states can bear
But that’s what taxes are for, in your new state aupair
And if you try to stop them, then I will bring suit
Many judges I own, your attempts to refute
Should you still insist, that your voice be heard
Then I’ll call you a racist, yes that is the word
Who cares if you’re not, it’s our most used wolf cry
When our backs to the wall, or we get caught in a lie
Sanctuary cities, I give them a free pass
When amnesty comes, Well get their votes en masse
The only case I ever pursued was the CIAs bad acts
They treated terrorists most rudely, no denying those facts
But that was just a feint, to throw the opposition off guard
Just a warning to them the gloves could come off hard
So if you’re listening sheriff ube, you’re at the top of my list
I’ve got brass knuckle special for you, and the FBI is my fist
There’s just no room for ethics when you play for high stakes
We got the work from himself, “do whatever it takes”
Legislation by fiat, votes to be won
When extortion fails to do it, brines get it done
Nancy and Harry, his two straw man shills
They to the wet work, he just signs the bills
The skill of a ninja, the instincts of an eel
He always keeps a safe distance, from every back room sweat deal
Exuding charisma, your ears to beguile
Then puts you at ease, with his disarming smile
Donations from the lobbies, adoration from the poor
Seduces the media, makes them his whore
Plays them like a fiddle, leads them like sheep
All objectivity gone, their commitment so deep
Now when we do something so wrong, they can’t spin it good face
It lies on their cutting room floor, it never took place
That’s how it is folks, in DC land these days
We sell ideology like product, a la Billy Mays
But if you have hopes, of voting us out
Remember who counts them and what we’re about
Each vote counts for nine, when it helps us prevail
And then there are those that get “lost” in the mail
Tea party no problem all they make is noise
They’re no match at all, for honest Eric and his boys
Hamstrung they their own rules, only one vote for each name
We do it much better, my crews got game
Now if you think this song, is mere brag and lies
You just wait till November; we’ll open your eyes
Well so long for now, there’s things to be done
So much more to do, and we’ve only begun

The Raving Mute
P.S. It could be that this rhyme, has no truth to it
So decide for yourself, if the shoe doth fit.

The Emperor's New Clothes

2010-05-27T07:15:00.001-07:00

How ridiculous they sounded, Napolitano and Holder
Of course they have read it, Priority one in their folder
Held strategy meeting too, late into the night
Desperately seeking, to find one thing not right
Any loophole at all just one legal flaw
For which to bring suit, and then slam the door
They looked for a phrase, to misconstrue and abuse
To build a talking point around, to give it a bad face
But it was not there, so to the old standby
Vague misleading attacks, with hyperbole and lie
Stir up opposition, hope for public endorsement
To cloud the real issue, lack of federal enforcement
It almost worked, it was getting some play
But then it happened, that horrible day
A senator asked them for their facts to show
Like rats in a corner, they had nowhere to go
They knew what was expected, they’d been told by their Lord
If you love your emperor, then fall on your sword
It’s just like chess, This Washington thing
Every piece is expendable, except for the King
They were thrown to the lions, with no hope for appeal
Sentenced to be scourged, broken on the wheel
So they had to do it, knowing they had no chance
The Washington Weasel out, it’s called the “Vance Dance”
“Well Senator I haven’t read it, but still I can say
It has potential for abuse; it’s not the American Way”
How feeble an answer, so pitifully lame
But what else can you say, when its match, set and game?
They can’t do it much worse, or maybe they can
By disgracing themselves, to the last man
When a foreign leader comes hero, says we’re a racist nation
You don’t leap up and cheer, give him a standing ovation
Are they that disconnected, so without any clue?
To know how phony that looked, how offensive to view
Glitzy staged photo ops, contrived to be spun
Might work for selling cornflakes, but not a country to run
It’s no cosmic mystery, some revelation from God
Who speaks always in riddles, then judges us hard
It’s a straight forward question, not one God would give
Who has the better claim, in this country to live?
He who does it right, and shows respect for our law
Or he who gate crashes, and sneaks in the back door?
For each free pass we give, to the second one
Means one less for those, who the right thing have done
It’s not like we don’t care about those who long to be free
But consider the message, if we grant amnesty.

Famous quotes and who really said them.

2010-03-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

Duets

1. Open your mouth and close your eyes and I'll give you something to make you wise. - Bill Clinton
It ain't over till the fat lady sings. - Monica Lewinsky
2. A man's gotta do what a mans gotta do. - Tiger Woods
Heads I win, tails you lose. - Mrs Tiger Woods
3. If you dont like it Sioux me. - George A Custer
Got you last. - Sitting Bull
4. Possession is nine points of the law- The Supreme Court
That's mitghy white of you - Dred Scot
5. I'll cross that road when I get to it.- Pontius Pilate
I'll be back. - Jesus Christ
6. Dude you the bomb! - Osama Bin Laden
Great balls of Fire. - Umar Faruk
7. Hey Shit happens. - Capt of the Titanic
Women and Children last. It's every man for himself. - Bruce Ismay
8. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. - Harry Vegas
Every man has his price. - Sen. Nelson
9. Go for broke. - George Bush
I call you and raise you. - Barrack Obama

Solos

1. There is no such thing as a bad boy. - Michael Jackson
2. If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have me no luck at al. Head Technician at Chernobyl
3. A fool and his money are soon parted. - Bernie Maddof
4. I wouldn't treat a dog that way. - Michael Vick
5. You wanna buy a duck? How about a book? A t-shirt? A coffee cup?? - Bill O'Reilly
6. When I want your opinion I'll tell you what it is. - Nancy Pelosi
7. I came to bury Ceasar, not to praise him. - Glen Beck
8. I never met a man I didn't like. - Anna Nicole Smith
9. Wait until next year. - The Mets

A congradulatory message to Senator Brown from the Junior High School Snap Team at MSNBC News

2010-02-01T08:34:00.001-08:00

You can't join our club, you're a teabagger hick
Your name should be Richard, you're such a dick
Your family so played, they need everything for free
They eat at the dumpster, and live in a tree
Get their clothes from a bin, at the Salvation Army
Always saying "Spare Change?" to everyone that they see
Cardboard boxes their furniture, A candle their lamp
When they mail a letter , they have to use a food stamp
They use public restrooms to take a pee
Look through Best Buy's window, when they watch tv
Your sister gets foreign aid, from the Haitian community
She tried working the Stroll, down in the Bowery
Couldn't get any takers, she's much too furry
Your pops goes car shopping, with a crowbar for a key
His ears all stuffed up, with seaweed and water
From the Rio Grande, when he snuck across the border
We saw a pciture of your moms, she looks like a hound
Cuts her toenails with a hacksaw, wears her weave in a mound
Her face is so busted, she went on Monster Quest
They just gave her the trophy, and sent home all the rest
Your grandma so fat, that when she takes a shower
She has to go through the car wash and it takes a whole hour
Irons her shirts in the driveway, combs her eyebrow with a rake
When she runs on all fours, it starts an earthquake
Down at the dump, she fights off the raccoon
Then eats with a shovel instead of a spoon
Scoffs up everything in sight, she's so totally crude
That when she goes camping, the bears hide their food
She jumped in the ocean, at Coney Island New York
Made sea level rise, up to the boardwalk
The people ran for their life, to get off the beach
She caused a Tsunami, each time that she breached
That's why you cant join our clique, the elite upper class
So we hope that you fail, and fall flat on your ass
Still best wishes to you and the whole family
From all we press agents, at good old MSNBC

It's just a got you last game, it's supposed to be funny. If you really want to go rogue, here's how it's done honey

2010-01-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

So much sound and fury, its louder than thunder
Its got to be Sheena, Queen of the Tundra
Hi everybody, its me the ice queen
A real pretty face, with a mind not too keen
I've got rock star status, when I make the scene
My critics phobe out, in harmony they scream
A Pavlovian response, into action they jump
Like hungry seagulls, hovering over a dump
Screeching and diving, snapping their jaws
But I'm just a surrogate, for their own flaws
Born of desperaton, they're grasping at straws
Their ideologies not working, so I must be the cause
Its causing them to panic, no matter how hard they spin
It just isnt selling, reality closing in
A thought they can't bear, their demigod could fail
Then I might come back, his mistakes to avail
Its their worst nightmare, their great plans going south
So the mention of my name, makes them foam at the mouth
Sit up and bark Mr. Ed, You too Ms. Madcow
The lefts most loyal stooges, from Network Kowtow
Vitrioldberman makes three, their lapdog supreme
Spews venom at mach sped, his one song pipedream
So locked in their mindset, they cant even see
They're just spinning their wheels, waisting energy
For I've seen the elephant, and he has seen me
Jumbo thinks Dumbos a bimbo, So it's not goign to be
They treated me rudely, even called me inane
Said "Go home to hubby, you're his ball & chain"
So we've parted company, each on our own course
But don't stop yet boys, keep whipping a dead horse
I've got a new career and it promises to pay
You're hyping my book sales, and I like it that way
So if you need amping up, then here's what I say
You suck lame stream media, you're wimpy and gay
Well? Do you feel lucky punk? Go ahead make my day
If that's not enough, then here's a few more
I never recycle, I find it a bore
Load my pickup with garbage, by my side a sixpack
Sling my empties out the window, the rest slides off the back
I never turn off a light, I waste energy by the ton
What the hell is a poop scoop? Does it look like a gun?
I use trees for target practice and shoot wildlife for fun
Hollow points work the best, they really get the job done
Look there's a whooping crane, I'll get the last one
On my Cessnar two gatlings, one on each wing
Sixty tracers a second, those puppies really sing
I come from out of the sun, like a fire breathing bird
Catch the carribou grazing, I strafe the whole herd
Polar bear cubs are easy, they have no where to hide
White fur turns to red, their eyes open wide
I see canadian geese, at my three o-clock
A good thirty second burst, should take out the whole flock
I use a mortar for fishing, and it never fails
When I wear my lukcy hat, the one that says "nuke the whales"
My snow leopard fur coat, full length it took three
Endangered species what-ever, it looks better on me
OK enough Mr Nice Guy, here comes my kill shot
If this doesn't get you, then I dont know what
At all PTA dinners, I make everyone say grace
On my dart board a picture, of fat Al Gore's face
Blah Blah greenhouse effect, or so I've been told
Makes me no never mind, I live where it's cold
I hate the A.C.L.U, They should be water boarded
And every single alien, to Mexico deported
We should outlaw gay marriage, they're all going to hell
They belong in the closet, don't ask and don't tell
I'll see they get redemption, when I am the boss
They'll only take knee, to the guy on the cross
No more daisy chain, no more limp wrist parade
No more KY Jelly, for the cornhole brigade
It's for their own good, to start a new life
Join the Rotary club, take a breeder for a wife
Yes I am so right, what more can I say
They'll be oh so grateful, they'll thank me some day
Well that should be enough, to get you boys hot
So let's keep it going , show me what you got.

"We couldn't say it on TV if it wasn't true"- An actual quote from a commercial in 2007

2009-11-25T07:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched TV when the whole family is asleep?
Late into the night, so low volume you keep
Then without any warning, volume jumps to a boil
Comes a screaming asshole, selling snake oil
Up so many decibels, it vibrates the walls
Rattles the windows, echoes down the halls
Hey! It’s "Awesome auger”, or "Hercules hook"
"Trust me, they work. Do I look like a crook?"
Or "Sham Wow" weasel boy, ever look in his eyes?
Would you let him date your daughter, I think not, I surmise?
Now "Video Professor", He's a real sincere guy
Sends you his "disk free", "You don't have to buy"
Costs him 50cents to print, 38cents postage fee
But he such a good guy, he "gives it to you free"
"Just pay shipping and handling", that's only fair
$6.95 on your credit card, he makes no profit there
Yo! "It’s upside down tomato plant", "80 pound yield", it's no con
They just get more absurd as the evening goes on
Their products are bogus; it’s for garbage you pay
Not a single one works the way that they say
Still they’re so ubiquitous, we never get a reprieve
The well must be deep, of those who believe
Have you ever wondered why, they all cost under twenty?
Because of government policy, due to complaints a plenty
They've neither the time nor the resources, to investigate a claim
It it’s under twenty dollars, you just lost the game
And if you think that's not true, then go for it hero
You'll get your ass kicked, nineteen ninety nine to zero
But that can't be the reason, they're all nineteen ninety nine
It’s purely coincidence, their products work fine
"You can't buy this in a store", they say that too
As if it’s exclusive, made just for you
The stores will not sell it, they can't make a dime
They all come back fro refund; it's a waste of their time
But from a post office box, try to get a rescind
Say, why not do this, try pissing in the wind?
But I don't really care, about how many they gore
It’s that blitzkrieg in volume, that's what I abhor
*The Networks disclaim it, "its not louder you see?'
"Just full saturation of sound." Are you shitting me!?
It's not just a little; it’s louder by a lot
They're lying out their asses, when they say it is not*
We need an inventor, to create a device
To switch TV to mute, when volume jumps twice
I'd buy a half a dozen, for each TV on line
But not from Billy Mays, for nineteen ninety nine.

The Raving Mute

*Thank to Joe Coz, for your insight. You put the icing on the cake, made the ending just right.

By any other name it would still smell. Dont call it a charity it's the quango from Hell

2009-11-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

We call ourselves ACORN, you know who we are
When it comes to mortality, we've really lowered the bar
No ethics have we, no limits at all
Just a modern day version, of Tammany Hall
A "non partisan" charity, or so we say
Financed by taxes, our salaries you pay
We help out the poor, to buy their new homes
By extorting the bank, to give them bad loans
Then when they get evicted, increasing their woes
Well too bad for them, but that’s how it goes
We can’t worry about them; we've bigger fish to fry
There’s a census needs rigging, more elections to buy
So for the right fee, we promote prostitution
But it’s for a good cause, campaign contribution
So should you expose us, and show what we did
Then it was you broke the law, for that camera you hid
It was no big problem, sure we took some heat
Then right back to business, obligations to meet
We help win elections, behind the scenes
Absentee ballots, our own printing machines
Its in our charter, we can break any law
We've got friends in high places; we'll just skate like before
They why we don’t bother, to cover our tracks
The boys with the juice, they've got our backs
It’s a bullet proof vest, no matter the crime
A Get Out of Jail Free gold card and it works every time
And so it goes on, there’s no reason to stop
When the systems been wired, from bottom to top
If you think the other party, will help you out
You are sadly mistaken, It’s not what their about
Both parties too similar, to the last man
Just to give their friends jobs, give you catch as can
They both play for themselves, then you bear the load
What’s comings not pretty and its right down to the road
So now there is talk, a third party is the way
Sure they'll let that happen, that'll be the day
They'll make it so hard, with the new laws they'll pass
Hard as ramming a hot poker, up a wild cat’s ass
Still you've got the number, if you should choose
Considering the status quo, what have you got to lose?

The Raving Mute

No Wait! Hold the phone, I could be off track
I was totally wrong, I take it all back
All congress just pledged to do all that they can
To root out government corruption!
? In Afghanistan?

Are we draining the swamp yet, Mis Speaker?

2009-10-09T07:06:00.001-07:00

Hi its Nancy again, I descend from on high
To answer your question, as to who how and why
First comes my resume, because I’m number one
Then tactics and motives, and just how it’s done
I’m small minded and shallow, petty and vain
I even lie just on spec, when there’s nothing to gain
When questioned on issues, I’m so out of my depth
My response only slander, to hide I’m inept
I know nothing of substance, even less about facts
Those questions I dodge, using personal attacks
In my mirror I practice, my face of sincere
But it’s so hard to mime, looks too wooden I fear
Like my “Dear in the headlights”, I use that one a lot
If would make Marcel Marceau gag, give thumbs down and say “NOT”
I decried “Nuclear option” as evil, when it came up with Alito
Still the term “Nuclear option”, has too arbitrary a connotation
So I redefined it in new speak, it’s now called “reconciliation”
But now it serves my purpose, so I’ll just change my credo
I was first to condemn Wilson, when he stepped over the line
But about Charlie Rangle, his conducts just fine
I’ll defend any act, or denounce it as vile
My only criterion is, “which side of the aisle?”
I can't be constrained, by honesty and fair play
They're so not convenient, when they get in the way
My hypocracy is legend, the essence of my style
It defines my persona, just like my fake smile
I’ll exploit even the dead, crack my voice eulogize
Slip in my agenda, try this on for size
For three days without sleep, I stood at his bed
Overcome by such grief, many tears did I shed
With his last dying breath, he raised up his head
“Integrity, integrity, integrity”, the last words he said
No wait! That’s not it, I just got confused
That doesn’t even fit, besides it’s already been used
Yes! Now I remember, his final request
“Pass this one for the Gipper, so my soul it can rest”
So join us in tribute, to pass this healthcare
I have no clue with a it says, but I’m sure it’s fair
It won’t go over budget, or run off the rail
The government will run it, so how can it fail?
We stand on our record, for problems we’ve solved
Look how past projects turned out, once we got involved
This new bill is the panacea, to lower the cost
I’ll explain how it works, try not to get lost
Tort reform is a non issue, there’s no way it works
Law lobby checkbooks would close, we’d lose our best perks
It’s as simple as that, it was Howard said it best
“The lawyers won’t allow it”, and we serve at their behest
There’s a much better way, we’ve been given the word
Lose the feebs and the geezers, its called thinning the herd
Mandatory end of life counseling, code name Soylent Green
What’s your favorite color? Step inside the machine
A true act of compassion, to end suffering and pain
No more disability checks either, each good deed has its gain
As for the opposition, it was himself made the call
He said “Go for the throat, take no prisoners at all”
So I took the lead, the public to trash
With my usual tact, I caused a backlash
So we jumped to the insurance companies, they’re not like anyway
They’re orchestrating dissent, manufacturing dismay
But support is still flagging, blocking our path
We’ve got to find someone, then macee public wrath
It’s got to be a big fish, get the media to bite
Sink the hook deep, change their leads every night
So we’ll just keep on trying, until we find the right one
To keep spinning your heads, until it is done
It was long ago called solugi, we treat you like fools
You’re the monkey in the middle, in a game with no rules
And it’s not just the democrats, the republicans too
We’re every one of us for sale, but just not to you
It’s about money and power, and you’re not in the loop
Special interest cracks the whip, and we jump through their hoop
How can you not see it? In the halls every week
Lobbyists and law makers hand in hand cheek to cheek
And it doesn’t even matter, who they represent
Be it big business the unions, or a foreign government
All votes up for auction, on the block every day
It’s by invitation only, just high rollers get play
But don’t feel disenfranchised, I’ll tell you why
You’ve still got the best government that money can buy
And you get yours too, many benefits and more
Everyone has good credit, at the company store
Its big brother who runs it and it’s just how it looks
We just keep making up number, and cooking the books
We’re just mortgaging the future, to subsidize the past
In a giant ponzi pyramid, that we all hope will last
So when our little babes grow up, point at us and say
“What the hell was your problem, Was there no better way?”
Don’t get all defensive or indignant and shout
Just tell hem straight up, what it was about
Say “Kid it’s really too bad, that now you have to pay
But to tell you the truth, we never thought of this day”

Guide for the Meat Puppets

2009-09-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

These are the 5 Commandments of of the two faction one party system known as the GOPDNC which is commonly mistaken as being two distinct entities.

To All Apostles

1. We are the word, Thou shalt not speak no words but our words.
2. Honor the strategy meeting with lockstep lipservice to our platform.
3. Remember the talking points, keep them holy by constantly repeating them, until they change.
4. Faithfully adhere to the Alphabet Protocol of ABC. When describing our candidate thou shalt Always Be Complimenting. When describing their candidate thou shalt Always Be Criticising.
5. Thou shalt never answer an awkward question about our candidate except by turning the response into an attack on the opposition candidate.

For guidance on how to live by the Commandments, see examples below:
1. If our guy runs across the tarmac in a downpour to board a plane speak reverently about his commitment to get the job done and improve the quality of life for his constituents even at the risk of his own safety. End by postulating that perhaps there is some truth to the rumor that he actually does walk on water.
2. If their guy runs across the tarmac in a downpour to board a plane question in suspicious tones why he was in such a hurry to duck the press and sneak out of town in such a a surreptitious way. End with the observation that this is just one more example that this man doesn't have sense enough to come out of the rain.
3. Whenever you are asked a question about a position of ours that is unpopular with the public, answer by saying "That's not the point. The point is...". Then go into a litany of derogatory attacks on the oppositions position on the issue. If the interviewer continues to press you with the question, insist that you "have answered the question".

We are the GOPDNC and we approve this behavior. For further refinement of your skills read the pamplets below:

1. "Sarcasm trumps the facts" by Rush Limbaugh. "A physical deformity is just a visible manifestation of mental imcompetance. So shut up you Feeb. If it's sympathy you are looking for it's between swill and syphilis in the dictionary."

2. "Pejorative Tirades Inspire the Choir" by Keith Oberman. "Evan a one trick pony can land a good job if he is animated and can feign anger by throwing paper in the air."

3. Palliation and The Weasel Out" by Mike Nifong. "To the extent that I may have unintentionally mispoken about some minor facts. I was misquoted and besides I never said pinkie promise."

4. "Duck Speak Raised to a High Art Form" by George Orwell. "When used to describe a party member it's a compliment. When used to describe the opposition it's a criticism."

5. "When you take the Man's money, you ride for the brand" Co-authored by Carl Rove and Bob Beckel. "There is no act so questionable that it cannot be either exaggerated or explained away. It all depends on which party the culprit or innocently accused belongs to."

The Raving Mute

Originally posted on adayinthelifeofalif.blogspot.com on September 1st 2008

The World According to Nancy

2009-09-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

"Justice! I hate justice. It's the law that I love" - The king in Gullivers Travel's by J Swift

I was duly elected, true it was just one city
Still now I speak for Congress, gee ain't that a pity
Yes it's me that they chose, when they took the vote call
That speaks for their judgement, that says it all
So now I make the laws, along with my friends
With hubris and arrongance, means justified by ends

I supported dissent, back in the day
But now we are in power, so free speach is passe
It's like totally bogus, its Unamerican you see
To voice your opinion, unless I agree
How dare they presume , that their voices be heard
They're just little people, it's utterly absurd

Now they're stirred up, town hall protest they make
I'm so not impressed, let them eat cake
They should just shut up, we dont need their advice
It's for them we are building, a workers paradise
A true Great Society, that's what we melding
Just me and my friends, like Harry the Gelding

So, should they continue to protest to long
We'll take off the gloves and unleash ACORN
Our rat squad is in place, they read every blog
Enemies of the state, we record in our log
Not since Tricky Dick, has it been done so well
Slander and intimidation, all opposition to quell

And as far as the media, should they question to hard
They've been put on notice, we'll play the race card
Except MSNBC, their views are just fine
They write better scripts, than our own party line
It makes me ecstatic, it's almost like heaven
Our very own infomercial, running twenty four seven
They cherry pick whats news, then slant it and spin
An unrelenting barrage, of sycophant din

As for that other network, I won't say their name
You know who I mean, they wont play our game
They give me disphasia, they make me say BAH!
Refuse to sit in our circle, and sing kum-bai yah
They point out our flaws, give voice to the prole
It has to be stopped, we need more control
Fairness doctrine it failed, so a new law we'll pass
To nationalize the media, make them all just like Tass
They'll come under one name, I've got it for sooth
We'll just call them all, The "Ministry of Truth"
Then we'll ram through each bill, the public can't spike it
We're your government in action, how do you like it?

Who cares about cost, trillions are fine
We'll just tax all new income, I've already got mine
And the national debt, why should anyone care?
Generations not born yet, It's for them to bear

So you thought we'd be better, than the last guys?
Both parties count on that, Hel-lo Que Surprise!
The difference is small, between who holds the whip
From the cup of great statesmen, you never shall sip
No matter our party, our gender or race
We all talk out our ass, and both sides of our face
But dont get discouraged, I'll tell you why
Keep hoping for change, it's on that we rely

Who knows, it could happen?
The day that pigs fly!

The Raving Mute

Originally posted on adayinthelifeofalif.blogspot.com on August 23rd, 2009

An Ode to The Media

2009-09-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

We call it the NEWS, who what where when and how
True once it was that, but what is it now?
It was just the facts, or at least they did try
Reduced not to theater, with embellishment and lie
No dog in the fight, back in the days
Now they sell product, just like Billy Mays
A hypothetical scenario, and how it is spun
Not hard to predict, if you know each one
An Iraqi bus, to a check point approaches
Passengers unknown, as it slowly encroaches
It stops not at Redline, but keeps rolling on
Taking no chances, it's fired upon
Impossible to know, why this took place
Yet here comes the Media, in their "Breaking News" race
First there is Hannity, he'll tell it right
"It was hardcore Al Queda, coming to fight"
A cadre of killers, with a gun in each hand
Our brave lads took them out, for God and homeland
Next is Christain, she'll tell it true
It was Iraqi workers, with a driver too new
Uncelar rules of engagement, troops not trained too long
Middle ground is out staple, so both sides must be wrong
THen there is Oberman, he'll tell it real
Twas Girl Scouts on Church picnic, Mother Theresa at the wheel
The troops held their fire, it was Bush there's no doubt
He said "just kill them all, let God sought them out"
And Last Al Jezeera, the truth they will tell
It was brave holy warriors, come to rout the Infidel
Each fought like ten tigers, they won victory and fame
With the blessing from Allah, all praise to his name
And such is the NEWS, in all of it's glory
Quote whomever you choose, they're all talking story
A new here it comes,that timely "Hard Break"
The unstoppable force, it's like an earthquake
They'll cut one off in midsentence, It's "Hard Break" don't you see?
It's ordained by God, it's not up to me
So what is its purpose? This force like Niagra
It's for selling John Basedow, Sham Wow, and Viagra
Noticed have you, when a big thing takes place?
"Hard Breaks" disappear, without any trace
Not hard to stop afterall, still why do they dare?
It's fear you'll change the channel, they'll lose too much share
Now its back to the NEWS, time for comic relief
Give us Bigfoot & Britney, or the most stupid theif
How come NEWS to this, such a pitiful state?
Not by conspiracy, no reason so great
A wise man once said, I'll tell you for sooth
The first casualty in war, is always the truth

The Raving Mute

Originally posted on adayinthelifeofalif.blogspot.com on August 28th, 2008