Theater of the Absurd
Hollywood is making a sequel to the old classic “Advise and Consent” about congress and its workings. Unfortunately the title “A Thousand Clowns” has already been used so it will be called the “excellent adventures of Anthony’s Weener.” Here are my choices as to who should play the parts
The members will be played by
1) President Obama /Alfred E Newman just put their two pictures side by side and you’ll see why. What? Me Worry?
2) George Bush #2/Slip Mahoney from “the east side boys” He has the same command of language the likes to slap his subordinates around with his hat
3) Eric Holder-The Sham-Wow boy. Similar ethics and he has the same lean and hungry look. I like it not
4) Dick Chaney/ Ming the Merciless. You’d have to be an old movie buff to get this one but it works
5) John McCain/Alvin the Chipmunk. It’s that left cheek that seals the deal
6) Nancy Pelosi/Mrs. Olsen from Little House on the Prairie fits to a t. In fact it might even be her
7) Sarah Palin/Sarah Palin. Who else? Annie Oakley is dead and does anyone really think that she would share the spotlight with another woman?
8) Janette Napolitano/Moe from the three stooges. He has a better hair cut but his methods and the results are about the same. Say1 Ms Jan! Why don’t you try clicking your heels together 3 times and just keep saying I wish that the borders were safer than ever.
9) Donald Trump/Hugh Heffner. The only man alive with the same size ego and inflated opinion of himself who truly believes that every man wishes he was him. (Count how many times he says “I” in his interviews.)
10) John Edwards and Big Arnold/Both parts played by Charlie Sheen as he has been working hard practicing for the role.
11) Barney Frank/Daffy duck. He has the speech impediment and makes just as much sense when he spritzes.
12) Anthony Weiner/ Pee Wee Herman. In more ways than one there are many in D.C. on both sides of the aisle with the same Beavis and Butthead juvenile outlook about sex as Anthony. His problem was that
He thought he was so cool, could break any rule
Free to act like a fool, by showing off his tool
Then when caught in the act, claimed he wasn’t the one
Tried to deny the fact, with a foolish lie spun
But a picture speaks louder, that old smoking gun
So now Anthony’s prospects, have petered down to one
Or to put it more plainly, put a fork in him. He’s done
13) Newt Gingrich/Nobody. He’s too insignificant to even play a role. You have to be somebody before you can be a has been and for the P.C. crowd to have a something to feign indignation about. This one is for you boys, Ooops I mean “persons.”
14) The Rent’s Too Damn High guy/Uncle Remus. They have the two fliest beards I ever saw. Oh, Oh! Hope I don’t lose my job over that one. Hey. Wait a minute! I don’t even have a job. Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook
The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook
1. Abortion, an emotionally charged issue about which you couldn’t give a shit less but for public relation sake must take a stand on. Just poll your constituency to learn what your unshakable moral beliefs are on this issue (See I voted for it before I voted against it by John Kerry.)
2. Backlash-what you cause when you speak off the cuff instead of off the teleprompter (see Bushism and Biden’s tourettes by Helen Thomas.)
3. Colleague-someone who may sell you out for a plea bargain before you can do it to him (see my dearest friend by Sammy the Bull)
4. Deficit Spending-A seemingly paradoxical concept but one which can be proven mathematically that if you keep raising the debt ceiling then borrowing and spending as fast as you can it will at some point lower the national debt, reduce taxes, cure unemployment and halt inflation (see Snowjob from Ms Nancy’s financial cookbook, like Heisenburg’s uncertainty principal it can not be understood by simple logic so just take her word for it.)
5. Earmarks-something you rail against in public while hoping no one calls you on the one that you slid into the pack (just in case see the song remains the same by the G.O.P.)
6. Ethnic Pride-what you call t when any member of a minority group expresses a preference for his own culture or candidate. When whitey does it, its called racism (see double standard our mantra from the P.C. Bible.)
7. Fall Back Position-Plausible deniability and internal investigation are just two of the many weasel outs which you will learn as you go along so lets skip the rest and go to you last hole card. It’s called “yoir dire” and remember that a good jury selection consultant is worth his weight in gold (see it only takes one by Blago) “Has anyone checked this jurors bank account lately? Just Saying.”
8. Graft-an archaic pejorative word used to describe how hard working public servant supplement their income. The correct word is donation or consultancy fee (see it beats the shit out of gold from the Congressional Retires News Letter)
9. Health Care Reform-A ponderous compilation of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is something in there for each of us to buy votes by either touting it or raging against it (see we have to pass it for you to see what’s in it another gem from the wit and wisdom of Ms Nancy.)
10. Holistic Approach-A blah blah phrase you use to make a problem sound more complicated than it is when it is not in your interest to solve it (see playing the gestalt card by senator comprehensive solutions.)
11. Imminent Domain-just ask a Cherokee, he’ll tell you exactly what it means and how it works too (see lets treat them all like Injuns by Denise hasted.)
12. Misquote-What you accuse other of doing to you when you don’t think they have a tape of what you said (see I never said that by take your pick)
13. Misspoke-A palliative word used to apologize for being a lying douchebag when the tape shows up (see you TV by the gotcha boys.)
14. Nexus-Like onus or in perpetuity this is a word you should use as often as possible because you think it makes you sound more intelligent that you actually are, It’s almost as good as Vis A Vis (see don’t be a bombastard by Bill O’Reilly)
15. Political correctness-a Nouveau religion whose disciples will wage Jihad against anyone who fails to worship at their alter. Watch out for these zealots as they can end a career before it starts (see no god but our god by the A.C.L.U.)
16. Quango-A criminal organization paid to help rig voter registration while posing as a nonpartisan charity (see ACORN it saved by job by Harry Vegas.)
17. Robust-like gin up, onus, nexus, Vis a Vis, and others over used words you think it makes you sound intelligent (see patronizing the proles by take your pick.)
18. Statistics-A meaningless morass of numbers that you can make say anything you want although it’s much easier to just make up your own as you go along (see half truths are more convenient by Al Gore.) Reducing CO2 emissions is a valid cause, however the movement has been co-opted by the self serving special interest boys more concerned with profiting from their “green product” investments than with whether or not these products even provide a feasible solution. If you look into the cost (to you) in the government subsidies and to the environment in pollutants involved in the production/distillation of gas you’ll see what that’s about. So either take back the movement or don’t worry and be happy, they’ll solve the problem form us. Don’t they always? Actually in many cases they do, but only after the people become agitated enough to rise.
19. Symposium-A junk-jet with hot chicks, free booze and lobbyists that will beard you if that’s what it takes (see forty years on the gravy train by Charles Rangle.)
20. Transparency-Ironically it’s probably the only campaign promise that you’ll ever keep because in spite of your best efforts at some point the public will see right through you which is after all the definition of transparency (see it’s all about image by team Obama.)
21. Veto-A muscular hairy chest guy sporting an open shirt who thinks every woman with a good rack wants to be his goo-mah (see I sold a lot of records fronting as one by Tom Jones.) I dedicate #21 to the P.C. Police, Yo! Dudes! Lighten the fuck up! You really are insufferable.
The Raving Mute
1. Abortion, an emotionally charged issue about which you couldn’t give a shit less but for public relation sake must take a stand on. Just poll your constituency to learn what your unshakable moral beliefs are on this issue (See I voted for it before I voted against it by John Kerry.)
2. Backlash-what you cause when you speak off the cuff instead of off the teleprompter (see Bushism and Biden’s tourettes by Helen Thomas.)
3. Colleague-someone who may sell you out for a plea bargain before you can do it to him (see my dearest friend by Sammy the Bull)
4. Deficit Spending-A seemingly paradoxical concept but one which can be proven mathematically that if you keep raising the debt ceiling then borrowing and spending as fast as you can it will at some point lower the national debt, reduce taxes, cure unemployment and halt inflation (see Snowjob from Ms Nancy’s financial cookbook, like Heisenburg’s uncertainty principal it can not be understood by simple logic so just take her word for it.)
5. Earmarks-something you rail against in public while hoping no one calls you on the one that you slid into the pack (just in case see the song remains the same by the G.O.P.)
6. Ethnic Pride-what you call t when any member of a minority group expresses a preference for his own culture or candidate. When whitey does it, its called racism (see double standard our mantra from the P.C. Bible.)
7. Fall Back Position-Plausible deniability and internal investigation are just two of the many weasel outs which you will learn as you go along so lets skip the rest and go to you last hole card. It’s called “yoir dire” and remember that a good jury selection consultant is worth his weight in gold (see it only takes one by Blago) “Has anyone checked this jurors bank account lately? Just Saying.”
8. Graft-an archaic pejorative word used to describe how hard working public servant supplement their income. The correct word is donation or consultancy fee (see it beats the shit out of gold from the Congressional Retires News Letter)
9. Health Care Reform-A ponderous compilation of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is something in there for each of us to buy votes by either touting it or raging against it (see we have to pass it for you to see what’s in it another gem from the wit and wisdom of Ms Nancy.)
10. Holistic Approach-A blah blah phrase you use to make a problem sound more complicated than it is when it is not in your interest to solve it (see playing the gestalt card by senator comprehensive solutions.)
11. Imminent Domain-just ask a Cherokee, he’ll tell you exactly what it means and how it works too (see lets treat them all like Injuns by Denise hasted.)
12. Misquote-What you accuse other of doing to you when you don’t think they have a tape of what you said (see I never said that by take your pick)
13. Misspoke-A palliative word used to apologize for being a lying douchebag when the tape shows up (see you TV by the gotcha boys.)
14. Nexus-Like onus or in perpetuity this is a word you should use as often as possible because you think it makes you sound more intelligent that you actually are, It’s almost as good as Vis A Vis (see don’t be a bombastard by Bill O’Reilly)
15. Political correctness-a Nouveau religion whose disciples will wage Jihad against anyone who fails to worship at their alter. Watch out for these zealots as they can end a career before it starts (see no god but our god by the A.C.L.U.)
16. Quango-A criminal organization paid to help rig voter registration while posing as a nonpartisan charity (see ACORN it saved by job by Harry Vegas.)
17. Robust-like gin up, onus, nexus, Vis a Vis, and others over used words you think it makes you sound intelligent (see patronizing the proles by take your pick.)
18. Statistics-A meaningless morass of numbers that you can make say anything you want although it’s much easier to just make up your own as you go along (see half truths are more convenient by Al Gore.) Reducing CO2 emissions is a valid cause, however the movement has been co-opted by the self serving special interest boys more concerned with profiting from their “green product” investments than with whether or not these products even provide a feasible solution. If you look into the cost (to you) in the government subsidies and to the environment in pollutants involved in the production/distillation of gas you’ll see what that’s about. So either take back the movement or don’t worry and be happy, they’ll solve the problem form us. Don’t they always? Actually in many cases they do, but only after the people become agitated enough to rise.
19. Symposium-A junk-jet with hot chicks, free booze and lobbyists that will beard you if that’s what it takes (see forty years on the gravy train by Charles Rangle.)
20. Transparency-Ironically it’s probably the only campaign promise that you’ll ever keep because in spite of your best efforts at some point the public will see right through you which is after all the definition of transparency (see it’s all about image by team Obama.)
21. Veto-A muscular hairy chest guy sporting an open shirt who thinks every woman with a good rack wants to be his goo-mah (see I sold a lot of records fronting as one by Tom Jones.) I dedicate #21 to the P.C. Police, Yo! Dudes! Lighten the fuck up! You really are insufferable.
The Raving Mute
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Law Man
"Law Man"
And it sure ain’t Marshall Dan Troop
In the department of Justice, I am the boss
To pick and to choose, which laws to enforce
I use the law like a black jack, to achieve my client’s ends
Other times as a barrier, to shield his friends
No action to sleazy, to disadvantage the opposition
Or too morally objectionable to provide his friends remission
I can negate any subpoena, since it’s I who decides
If they be valid, no not bona fide
The same with a summons, I just throw them away
Because I speak what’s law, and you got no say
I love how it feels, it makes my heart sing
Every lawyer’s wet dream, such a beautiful thing
You can look all you want, but you’ll never see
A more partisan weasel, than one such as me
Remember those candidates, who each got a bribe call?
I covered that on up easy, took no action at all
Voter intimidation in Philly, on video caught
So I had to work from the shadows, to reduce charges brought
My best work was for ACORN, it was a massive voter fraud
I had to call in markers on that one, get the whole crew on board
Stonewalled investigation, we held down the fort
Until it passed into history, public memory so short
I pimp for illegal’s, by using the law
Run interference for them, keys to the back door
True they add to the crime rate, sometimes with acts savage
But not in my gated community, so it’s just collateral damage
Drain social services too, more than some states can bear
But that’s what taxes are for, in your new state aupair
And if you try to stop them, then I will bring suit
Many judges I own, your attempts to refute
Should you still insist, that your voice be heard
Then I’ll call you a racist, yes that is the word
Who cares if you’re not, it’s our most used wolf cry
When our backs to the wall, or we get caught in a lie
Sanctuary cities, I give them a free pass
When amnesty comes, Well get their votes en masse
The only case I ever pursued was the CIAs bad acts
They treated terrorists most rudely, no denying those facts
But that was just a feint, to throw the opposition off guard
Just a warning to them the gloves could come off hard
So if you’re listening sheriff ube, you’re at the top of my list
I’ve got brass knuckle special for you, and the FBI is my fist
There’s just no room for ethics when you play for high stakes
We got the work from himself, “do whatever it takes”
Legislation by fiat, votes to be won
When extortion fails to do it, brines get it done
Nancy and Harry, his two straw man shills
They to the wet work, he just signs the bills
The skill of a ninja, the instincts of an eel
He always keeps a safe distance, from every back room sweat deal
Exuding charisma, your ears to beguile
Then puts you at ease, with his disarming smile
Donations from the lobbies, adoration from the poor
Seduces the media, makes them his whore
Plays them like a fiddle, leads them like sheep
All objectivity gone, their commitment so deep
Now when we do something so wrong, they can’t spin it good face
It lies on their cutting room floor, it never took place
That’s how it is folks, in DC land these days
We sell ideology like product, a la Billy Mays
But if you have hopes, of voting us out
Remember who counts them and what we’re about
Each vote counts for nine, when it helps us prevail
And then there are those that get “lost” in the mail
Tea party no problem all they make is noise
They’re no match at all, for honest Eric and his boys
Hamstrung they their own rules, only one vote for each name
We do it much better, my crews got game
Now if you think this song, is mere brag and lies
You just wait till November; we’ll open your eyes
Well so long for now, there’s things to be done
So much more to do, and we’ve only begun
The Raving Mute
P.S. It could be that this rhyme, has no truth to it
So decide for yourself, if the shoe doth fit.
And it sure ain’t Marshall Dan Troop
In the department of Justice, I am the boss
To pick and to choose, which laws to enforce
I use the law like a black jack, to achieve my client’s ends
Other times as a barrier, to shield his friends
No action to sleazy, to disadvantage the opposition
Or too morally objectionable to provide his friends remission
I can negate any subpoena, since it’s I who decides
If they be valid, no not bona fide
The same with a summons, I just throw them away
Because I speak what’s law, and you got no say
I love how it feels, it makes my heart sing
Every lawyer’s wet dream, such a beautiful thing
You can look all you want, but you’ll never see
A more partisan weasel, than one such as me
Remember those candidates, who each got a bribe call?
I covered that on up easy, took no action at all
Voter intimidation in Philly, on video caught
So I had to work from the shadows, to reduce charges brought
My best work was for ACORN, it was a massive voter fraud
I had to call in markers on that one, get the whole crew on board
Stonewalled investigation, we held down the fort
Until it passed into history, public memory so short
I pimp for illegal’s, by using the law
Run interference for them, keys to the back door
True they add to the crime rate, sometimes with acts savage
But not in my gated community, so it’s just collateral damage
Drain social services too, more than some states can bear
But that’s what taxes are for, in your new state aupair
And if you try to stop them, then I will bring suit
Many judges I own, your attempts to refute
Should you still insist, that your voice be heard
Then I’ll call you a racist, yes that is the word
Who cares if you’re not, it’s our most used wolf cry
When our backs to the wall, or we get caught in a lie
Sanctuary cities, I give them a free pass
When amnesty comes, Well get their votes en masse
The only case I ever pursued was the CIAs bad acts
They treated terrorists most rudely, no denying those facts
But that was just a feint, to throw the opposition off guard
Just a warning to them the gloves could come off hard
So if you’re listening sheriff ube, you’re at the top of my list
I’ve got brass knuckle special for you, and the FBI is my fist
There’s just no room for ethics when you play for high stakes
We got the work from himself, “do whatever it takes”
Legislation by fiat, votes to be won
When extortion fails to do it, brines get it done
Nancy and Harry, his two straw man shills
They to the wet work, he just signs the bills
The skill of a ninja, the instincts of an eel
He always keeps a safe distance, from every back room sweat deal
Exuding charisma, your ears to beguile
Then puts you at ease, with his disarming smile
Donations from the lobbies, adoration from the poor
Seduces the media, makes them his whore
Plays them like a fiddle, leads them like sheep
All objectivity gone, their commitment so deep
Now when we do something so wrong, they can’t spin it good face
It lies on their cutting room floor, it never took place
That’s how it is folks, in DC land these days
We sell ideology like product, a la Billy Mays
But if you have hopes, of voting us out
Remember who counts them and what we’re about
Each vote counts for nine, when it helps us prevail
And then there are those that get “lost” in the mail
Tea party no problem all they make is noise
They’re no match at all, for honest Eric and his boys
Hamstrung they their own rules, only one vote for each name
We do it much better, my crews got game
Now if you think this song, is mere brag and lies
You just wait till November; we’ll open your eyes
Well so long for now, there’s things to be done
So much more to do, and we’ve only begun
The Raving Mute
P.S. It could be that this rhyme, has no truth to it
So decide for yourself, if the shoe doth fit.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Emperor's New Clothes
How ridiculous they sounded, Napolitano and Holder
Of course they have read it, Priority one in their folder
Held strategy meeting too, late into the night
Desperately seeking, to find one thing not right
Any loophole at all just one legal flaw
For which to bring suit, and then slam the door
They looked for a phrase, to misconstrue and abuse
To build a talking point around, to give it a bad face
But it was not there, so to the old standby
Vague misleading attacks, with hyperbole and lie
Stir up opposition, hope for public endorsement
To cloud the real issue, lack of federal enforcement
It almost worked, it was getting some play
But then it happened, that horrible day
A senator asked them for their facts to show
Like rats in a corner, they had nowhere to go
They knew what was expected, they’d been told by their Lord
If you love your emperor, then fall on your sword
It’s just like chess, This Washington thing
Every piece is expendable, except for the King
They were thrown to the lions, with no hope for appeal
Sentenced to be scourged, broken on the wheel
So they had to do it, knowing they had no chance
The Washington Weasel out, it’s called the “Vance Dance”
“Well Senator I haven’t read it, but still I can say
It has potential for abuse; it’s not the American Way”
How feeble an answer, so pitifully lame
But what else can you say, when its match, set and game?
They can’t do it much worse, or maybe they can
By disgracing themselves, to the last man
When a foreign leader comes hero, says we’re a racist nation
You don’t leap up and cheer, give him a standing ovation
Are they that disconnected, so without any clue?
To know how phony that looked, how offensive to view
Glitzy staged photo ops, contrived to be spun
Might work for selling cornflakes, but not a country to run
It’s no cosmic mystery, some revelation from God
Who speaks always in riddles, then judges us hard
It’s a straight forward question, not one God would give
Who has the better claim, in this country to live?
He who does it right, and shows respect for our law
Or he who gate crashes, and sneaks in the back door?
For each free pass we give, to the second one
Means one less for those, who the right thing have done
It’s not like we don’t care about those who long to be free
But consider the message, if we grant amnesty.
Of course they have read it, Priority one in their folder
Held strategy meeting too, late into the night
Desperately seeking, to find one thing not right
Any loophole at all just one legal flaw
For which to bring suit, and then slam the door
They looked for a phrase, to misconstrue and abuse
To build a talking point around, to give it a bad face
But it was not there, so to the old standby
Vague misleading attacks, with hyperbole and lie
Stir up opposition, hope for public endorsement
To cloud the real issue, lack of federal enforcement
It almost worked, it was getting some play
But then it happened, that horrible day
A senator asked them for their facts to show
Like rats in a corner, they had nowhere to go
They knew what was expected, they’d been told by their Lord
If you love your emperor, then fall on your sword
It’s just like chess, This Washington thing
Every piece is expendable, except for the King
They were thrown to the lions, with no hope for appeal
Sentenced to be scourged, broken on the wheel
So they had to do it, knowing they had no chance
The Washington Weasel out, it’s called the “Vance Dance”
“Well Senator I haven’t read it, but still I can say
It has potential for abuse; it’s not the American Way”
How feeble an answer, so pitifully lame
But what else can you say, when its match, set and game?
They can’t do it much worse, or maybe they can
By disgracing themselves, to the last man
When a foreign leader comes hero, says we’re a racist nation
You don’t leap up and cheer, give him a standing ovation
Are they that disconnected, so without any clue?
To know how phony that looked, how offensive to view
Glitzy staged photo ops, contrived to be spun
Might work for selling cornflakes, but not a country to run
It’s no cosmic mystery, some revelation from God
Who speaks always in riddles, then judges us hard
It’s a straight forward question, not one God would give
Who has the better claim, in this country to live?
He who does it right, and shows respect for our law
Or he who gate crashes, and sneaks in the back door?
For each free pass we give, to the second one
Means one less for those, who the right thing have done
It’s not like we don’t care about those who long to be free
But consider the message, if we grant amnesty.
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