The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook
1. Abortion, an emotionally charged issue about which you couldn’t give a shit less but for public relation sake must take a stand on. Just poll your constituency to learn what your unshakable moral beliefs are on this issue (See I voted for it before I voted against it by John Kerry.)
2. Backlash-what you cause when you speak off the cuff instead of off the teleprompter (see Bushism and Biden’s tourettes by Helen Thomas.)
3. Colleague-someone who may sell you out for a plea bargain before you can do it to him (see my dearest friend by Sammy the Bull)
4. Deficit Spending-A seemingly paradoxical concept but one which can be proven mathematically that if you keep raising the debt ceiling then borrowing and spending as fast as you can it will at some point lower the national debt, reduce taxes, cure unemployment and halt inflation (see Snowjob from Ms Nancy’s financial cookbook, like Heisenburg’s uncertainty principal it can not be understood by simple logic so just take her word for it.)
5. Earmarks-something you rail against in public while hoping no one calls you on the one that you slid into the pack (just in case see the song remains the same by the G.O.P.)
6. Ethnic Pride-what you call t when any member of a minority group expresses a preference for his own culture or candidate. When whitey does it, its called racism (see double standard our mantra from the P.C. Bible.)
7. Fall Back Position-Plausible deniability and internal investigation are just two of the many weasel outs which you will learn as you go along so lets skip the rest and go to you last hole card. It’s called “yoir dire” and remember that a good jury selection consultant is worth his weight in gold (see it only takes one by Blago) “Has anyone checked this jurors bank account lately? Just Saying.”
8. Graft-an archaic pejorative word used to describe how hard working public servant supplement their income. The correct word is donation or consultancy fee (see it beats the shit out of gold from the Congressional Retires News Letter)
9. Health Care Reform-A ponderous compilation of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is something in there for each of us to buy votes by either touting it or raging against it (see we have to pass it for you to see what’s in it another gem from the wit and wisdom of Ms Nancy.)
10. Holistic Approach-A blah blah phrase you use to make a problem sound more complicated than it is when it is not in your interest to solve it (see playing the gestalt card by senator comprehensive solutions.)
11. Imminent Domain-just ask a Cherokee, he’ll tell you exactly what it means and how it works too (see lets treat them all like Injuns by Denise hasted.)
12. Misquote-What you accuse other of doing to you when you don’t think they have a tape of what you said (see I never said that by take your pick)
13. Misspoke-A palliative word used to apologize for being a lying douchebag when the tape shows up (see you TV by the gotcha boys.)
14. Nexus-Like onus or in perpetuity this is a word you should use as often as possible because you think it makes you sound more intelligent that you actually are, It’s almost as good as Vis A Vis (see don’t be a bombastard by Bill O’Reilly)
15. Political correctness-a Nouveau religion whose disciples will wage Jihad against anyone who fails to worship at their alter. Watch out for these zealots as they can end a career before it starts (see no god but our god by the A.C.L.U.)
16. Quango-A criminal organization paid to help rig voter registration while posing as a nonpartisan charity (see ACORN it saved by job by Harry Vegas.)
17. Robust-like gin up, onus, nexus, Vis a Vis, and others over used words you think it makes you sound intelligent (see patronizing the proles by take your pick.)
18. Statistics-A meaningless morass of numbers that you can make say anything you want although it’s much easier to just make up your own as you go along (see half truths are more convenient by Al Gore.) Reducing CO2 emissions is a valid cause, however the movement has been co-opted by the self serving special interest boys more concerned with profiting from their “green product” investments than with whether or not these products even provide a feasible solution. If you look into the cost (to you) in the government subsidies and to the environment in pollutants involved in the production/distillation of gas you’ll see what that’s about. So either take back the movement or don’t worry and be happy, they’ll solve the problem form us. Don’t they always? Actually in many cases they do, but only after the people become agitated enough to rise.
19. Symposium-A junk-jet with hot chicks, free booze and lobbyists that will beard you if that’s what it takes (see forty years on the gravy train by Charles Rangle.)
20. Transparency-Ironically it’s probably the only campaign promise that you’ll ever keep because in spite of your best efforts at some point the public will see right through you which is after all the definition of transparency (see it’s all about image by team Obama.)
21. Veto-A muscular hairy chest guy sporting an open shirt who thinks every woman with a good rack wants to be his goo-mah (see I sold a lot of records fronting as one by Tom Jones.) I dedicate #21 to the P.C. Police, Yo! Dudes! Lighten the fuck up! You really are insufferable.
The Raving Mute
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Annoying peoples Award-"why not? they give them for everything else?" a Ranking from 1-10
1. The young couple in the restaurant who thinks that their out of control, rampaging little weasel is as cute and entertaining to everyone else as he is to them (well maybe he is, but only in a photograph.) I give them a 3 since most of us have been there ourselves.
2. The woman in the work place cafeteria who talks incessantly about her pet, always refers to it by its breeder given name. "Say Angie? have you ever been seriously bitch slapped?" I give her and Molly, her three-year-old papillon a 4.
3.The guy who does the same thing with his car. "Yo, I can't meet with you today dude; I have to take my Mercedes to my mechanic to have it detailed." "Really? Should I alert the mechanic you dick?" He gets a 4 too, you know equal rights.
4. The scruffy looking looser hanging out in front of the strip mall who has an insatiable curiosity as to whether or not you have any "spare change." "Gee I dont know, let me check. Lets see, when I had breakfast this morning it cost $9.20, I gave the girl a ten and she gave me back 80 cents. Nope. That worked out just right. Sorry dude no spare change." Try that sometime, you can't believe how great it feels. I gave him a 5 due to the state of the economy although he'd probably be there in good times too.
5.The guy who is so convinced that out of all the thousands of religions in the world his alone is the only true path to salvation. Therefore, it is incumbent upon him to knock on your door on Saturday morning in order to give you the opportunity to become one of the glassy eyed zombies of the saved. (What can you even say to this tool that would make a difference? He means well, he just doesn't get it that I never will. He gets a 5 unless he keeps coming back. Perhaps we should be grateful that he choses a passive religion rather than one which requires him to kill non-believers to buy his way into heaven (if you get my drift.)
6.The horizontally challenged vacationer who goes out of his way to secure an aisle seat in the front of the plane so the moment it stops at the gate he can leap up and block the entire aisle with his humongous super-sized ass while he spends the next five minutes struggling incompetently to dislodge his ridiculously overstuffed steamer trunk from the overhead. "Hey! He's in a hurry and doesn't like to be held up by other people." If you have ever been on a snowbird flight then you know what I am talking about. A solid 6
7.The little tough guy in front of you in the deli breakfast line, who takes out his cell, calls his work site and proceeds to berate his crew in an overly loud and profane manner. "I'll tell you what dipshit, I'll fucking be there in fifteen fucking minutes and that fucking project better be well fucking under way or I'm going to kick some ass." (While he keeps glancing around to see if everyone is duly impressed with how large and in charge he is.) I wonder if there is even someone on the other end of the line. Or if it's possible that this guy could actually be an even bigger asshole than he appears to be. He gets upwards of a 6 depending on how early it is, and what you have to look forward to for the rest of the fucking day.
And the Winner Is:
8. The self appointed road marshal who drives in the left hand or passing lane on the parkway at exactly 55 miles per house while making sure he keeps pace with the cars on his right because, "afterall, its the law! And besides there is no reason for anyone to go faster anyway." Boy does this hump need to ride "Old Sparky." I'd flip the switch on him myself if no one else volunteered. In fact, this man may be the last remaining valid arguement for capital punisment in a civilized society. He gets the 10.
Addendum
A small consolation award for a lifetime of services, you know, sort of like the Oscar The Duke got.
9. Your septuagenarian neighbor who hands out at the end of his driveway by his mailbox as if someone would actually send him something of importance. And whom you must avoid eye contact with, unless you want to spend the next half an hour listening to how the world has been going down hill since Frankie Valley went off the charts. "Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wah, walk like a man my Sah-Uh-Uh-Un." I used to tell my relatives, Jesus if I ever get like that, please shoot me, but now i have to change my tune. Such is the march of time.
The Raving Mute
2. The woman in the work place cafeteria who talks incessantly about her pet, always refers to it by its breeder given name. "Say Angie? have you ever been seriously bitch slapped?" I give her and Molly, her three-year-old papillon a 4.
3.The guy who does the same thing with his car. "Yo, I can't meet with you today dude; I have to take my Mercedes to my mechanic to have it detailed." "Really? Should I alert the mechanic you dick?" He gets a 4 too, you know equal rights.
4. The scruffy looking looser hanging out in front of the strip mall who has an insatiable curiosity as to whether or not you have any "spare change." "Gee I dont know, let me check. Lets see, when I had breakfast this morning it cost $9.20, I gave the girl a ten and she gave me back 80 cents. Nope. That worked out just right. Sorry dude no spare change." Try that sometime, you can't believe how great it feels. I gave him a 5 due to the state of the economy although he'd probably be there in good times too.
5.The guy who is so convinced that out of all the thousands of religions in the world his alone is the only true path to salvation. Therefore, it is incumbent upon him to knock on your door on Saturday morning in order to give you the opportunity to become one of the glassy eyed zombies of the saved. (What can you even say to this tool that would make a difference? He means well, he just doesn't get it that I never will. He gets a 5 unless he keeps coming back. Perhaps we should be grateful that he choses a passive religion rather than one which requires him to kill non-believers to buy his way into heaven (if you get my drift.)
6.The horizontally challenged vacationer who goes out of his way to secure an aisle seat in the front of the plane so the moment it stops at the gate he can leap up and block the entire aisle with his humongous super-sized ass while he spends the next five minutes struggling incompetently to dislodge his ridiculously overstuffed steamer trunk from the overhead. "Hey! He's in a hurry and doesn't like to be held up by other people." If you have ever been on a snowbird flight then you know what I am talking about. A solid 6
7.The little tough guy in front of you in the deli breakfast line, who takes out his cell, calls his work site and proceeds to berate his crew in an overly loud and profane manner. "I'll tell you what dipshit, I'll fucking be there in fifteen fucking minutes and that fucking project better be well fucking under way or I'm going to kick some ass." (While he keeps glancing around to see if everyone is duly impressed with how large and in charge he is.) I wonder if there is even someone on the other end of the line. Or if it's possible that this guy could actually be an even bigger asshole than he appears to be. He gets upwards of a 6 depending on how early it is, and what you have to look forward to for the rest of the fucking day.
And the Winner Is:
8. The self appointed road marshal who drives in the left hand or passing lane on the parkway at exactly 55 miles per house while making sure he keeps pace with the cars on his right because, "afterall, its the law! And besides there is no reason for anyone to go faster anyway." Boy does this hump need to ride "Old Sparky." I'd flip the switch on him myself if no one else volunteered. In fact, this man may be the last remaining valid arguement for capital punisment in a civilized society. He gets the 10.
Addendum
A small consolation award for a lifetime of services, you know, sort of like the Oscar The Duke got.
9. Your septuagenarian neighbor who hands out at the end of his driveway by his mailbox as if someone would actually send him something of importance. And whom you must avoid eye contact with, unless you want to spend the next half an hour listening to how the world has been going down hill since Frankie Valley went off the charts. "Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wah, walk like a man my Sah-Uh-Uh-Un." I used to tell my relatives, Jesus if I ever get like that, please shoot me, but now i have to change my tune. Such is the march of time.
The Raving Mute
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Law Man
"Law Man"
And it sure ain’t Marshall Dan Troop
In the department of Justice, I am the boss
To pick and to choose, which laws to enforce
I use the law like a black jack, to achieve my client’s ends
Other times as a barrier, to shield his friends
No action to sleazy, to disadvantage the opposition
Or too morally objectionable to provide his friends remission
I can negate any subpoena, since it’s I who decides
If they be valid, no not bona fide
The same with a summons, I just throw them away
Because I speak what’s law, and you got no say
I love how it feels, it makes my heart sing
Every lawyer’s wet dream, such a beautiful thing
You can look all you want, but you’ll never see
A more partisan weasel, than one such as me
Remember those candidates, who each got a bribe call?
I covered that on up easy, took no action at all
Voter intimidation in Philly, on video caught
So I had to work from the shadows, to reduce charges brought
My best work was for ACORN, it was a massive voter fraud
I had to call in markers on that one, get the whole crew on board
Stonewalled investigation, we held down the fort
Until it passed into history, public memory so short
I pimp for illegal’s, by using the law
Run interference for them, keys to the back door
True they add to the crime rate, sometimes with acts savage
But not in my gated community, so it’s just collateral damage
Drain social services too, more than some states can bear
But that’s what taxes are for, in your new state aupair
And if you try to stop them, then I will bring suit
Many judges I own, your attempts to refute
Should you still insist, that your voice be heard
Then I’ll call you a racist, yes that is the word
Who cares if you’re not, it’s our most used wolf cry
When our backs to the wall, or we get caught in a lie
Sanctuary cities, I give them a free pass
When amnesty comes, Well get their votes en masse
The only case I ever pursued was the CIAs bad acts
They treated terrorists most rudely, no denying those facts
But that was just a feint, to throw the opposition off guard
Just a warning to them the gloves could come off hard
So if you’re listening sheriff ube, you’re at the top of my list
I’ve got brass knuckle special for you, and the FBI is my fist
There’s just no room for ethics when you play for high stakes
We got the work from himself, “do whatever it takes”
Legislation by fiat, votes to be won
When extortion fails to do it, brines get it done
Nancy and Harry, his two straw man shills
They to the wet work, he just signs the bills
The skill of a ninja, the instincts of an eel
He always keeps a safe distance, from every back room sweat deal
Exuding charisma, your ears to beguile
Then puts you at ease, with his disarming smile
Donations from the lobbies, adoration from the poor
Seduces the media, makes them his whore
Plays them like a fiddle, leads them like sheep
All objectivity gone, their commitment so deep
Now when we do something so wrong, they can’t spin it good face
It lies on their cutting room floor, it never took place
That’s how it is folks, in DC land these days
We sell ideology like product, a la Billy Mays
But if you have hopes, of voting us out
Remember who counts them and what we’re about
Each vote counts for nine, when it helps us prevail
And then there are those that get “lost” in the mail
Tea party no problem all they make is noise
They’re no match at all, for honest Eric and his boys
Hamstrung they their own rules, only one vote for each name
We do it much better, my crews got game
Now if you think this song, is mere brag and lies
You just wait till November; we’ll open your eyes
Well so long for now, there’s things to be done
So much more to do, and we’ve only begun
The Raving Mute
P.S. It could be that this rhyme, has no truth to it
So decide for yourself, if the shoe doth fit.
And it sure ain’t Marshall Dan Troop
In the department of Justice, I am the boss
To pick and to choose, which laws to enforce
I use the law like a black jack, to achieve my client’s ends
Other times as a barrier, to shield his friends
No action to sleazy, to disadvantage the opposition
Or too morally objectionable to provide his friends remission
I can negate any subpoena, since it’s I who decides
If they be valid, no not bona fide
The same with a summons, I just throw them away
Because I speak what’s law, and you got no say
I love how it feels, it makes my heart sing
Every lawyer’s wet dream, such a beautiful thing
You can look all you want, but you’ll never see
A more partisan weasel, than one such as me
Remember those candidates, who each got a bribe call?
I covered that on up easy, took no action at all
Voter intimidation in Philly, on video caught
So I had to work from the shadows, to reduce charges brought
My best work was for ACORN, it was a massive voter fraud
I had to call in markers on that one, get the whole crew on board
Stonewalled investigation, we held down the fort
Until it passed into history, public memory so short
I pimp for illegal’s, by using the law
Run interference for them, keys to the back door
True they add to the crime rate, sometimes with acts savage
But not in my gated community, so it’s just collateral damage
Drain social services too, more than some states can bear
But that’s what taxes are for, in your new state aupair
And if you try to stop them, then I will bring suit
Many judges I own, your attempts to refute
Should you still insist, that your voice be heard
Then I’ll call you a racist, yes that is the word
Who cares if you’re not, it’s our most used wolf cry
When our backs to the wall, or we get caught in a lie
Sanctuary cities, I give them a free pass
When amnesty comes, Well get their votes en masse
The only case I ever pursued was the CIAs bad acts
They treated terrorists most rudely, no denying those facts
But that was just a feint, to throw the opposition off guard
Just a warning to them the gloves could come off hard
So if you’re listening sheriff ube, you’re at the top of my list
I’ve got brass knuckle special for you, and the FBI is my fist
There’s just no room for ethics when you play for high stakes
We got the work from himself, “do whatever it takes”
Legislation by fiat, votes to be won
When extortion fails to do it, brines get it done
Nancy and Harry, his two straw man shills
They to the wet work, he just signs the bills
The skill of a ninja, the instincts of an eel
He always keeps a safe distance, from every back room sweat deal
Exuding charisma, your ears to beguile
Then puts you at ease, with his disarming smile
Donations from the lobbies, adoration from the poor
Seduces the media, makes them his whore
Plays them like a fiddle, leads them like sheep
All objectivity gone, their commitment so deep
Now when we do something so wrong, they can’t spin it good face
It lies on their cutting room floor, it never took place
That’s how it is folks, in DC land these days
We sell ideology like product, a la Billy Mays
But if you have hopes, of voting us out
Remember who counts them and what we’re about
Each vote counts for nine, when it helps us prevail
And then there are those that get “lost” in the mail
Tea party no problem all they make is noise
They’re no match at all, for honest Eric and his boys
Hamstrung they their own rules, only one vote for each name
We do it much better, my crews got game
Now if you think this song, is mere brag and lies
You just wait till November; we’ll open your eyes
Well so long for now, there’s things to be done
So much more to do, and we’ve only begun
The Raving Mute
P.S. It could be that this rhyme, has no truth to it
So decide for yourself, if the shoe doth fit.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Emperor's New Clothes
How ridiculous they sounded, Napolitano and Holder
Of course they have read it, Priority one in their folder
Held strategy meeting too, late into the night
Desperately seeking, to find one thing not right
Any loophole at all just one legal flaw
For which to bring suit, and then slam the door
They looked for a phrase, to misconstrue and abuse
To build a talking point around, to give it a bad face
But it was not there, so to the old standby
Vague misleading attacks, with hyperbole and lie
Stir up opposition, hope for public endorsement
To cloud the real issue, lack of federal enforcement
It almost worked, it was getting some play
But then it happened, that horrible day
A senator asked them for their facts to show
Like rats in a corner, they had nowhere to go
They knew what was expected, they’d been told by their Lord
If you love your emperor, then fall on your sword
It’s just like chess, This Washington thing
Every piece is expendable, except for the King
They were thrown to the lions, with no hope for appeal
Sentenced to be scourged, broken on the wheel
So they had to do it, knowing they had no chance
The Washington Weasel out, it’s called the “Vance Dance”
“Well Senator I haven’t read it, but still I can say
It has potential for abuse; it’s not the American Way”
How feeble an answer, so pitifully lame
But what else can you say, when its match, set and game?
They can’t do it much worse, or maybe they can
By disgracing themselves, to the last man
When a foreign leader comes hero, says we’re a racist nation
You don’t leap up and cheer, give him a standing ovation
Are they that disconnected, so without any clue?
To know how phony that looked, how offensive to view
Glitzy staged photo ops, contrived to be spun
Might work for selling cornflakes, but not a country to run
It’s no cosmic mystery, some revelation from God
Who speaks always in riddles, then judges us hard
It’s a straight forward question, not one God would give
Who has the better claim, in this country to live?
He who does it right, and shows respect for our law
Or he who gate crashes, and sneaks in the back door?
For each free pass we give, to the second one
Means one less for those, who the right thing have done
It’s not like we don’t care about those who long to be free
But consider the message, if we grant amnesty.
Of course they have read it, Priority one in their folder
Held strategy meeting too, late into the night
Desperately seeking, to find one thing not right
Any loophole at all just one legal flaw
For which to bring suit, and then slam the door
They looked for a phrase, to misconstrue and abuse
To build a talking point around, to give it a bad face
But it was not there, so to the old standby
Vague misleading attacks, with hyperbole and lie
Stir up opposition, hope for public endorsement
To cloud the real issue, lack of federal enforcement
It almost worked, it was getting some play
But then it happened, that horrible day
A senator asked them for their facts to show
Like rats in a corner, they had nowhere to go
They knew what was expected, they’d been told by their Lord
If you love your emperor, then fall on your sword
It’s just like chess, This Washington thing
Every piece is expendable, except for the King
They were thrown to the lions, with no hope for appeal
Sentenced to be scourged, broken on the wheel
So they had to do it, knowing they had no chance
The Washington Weasel out, it’s called the “Vance Dance”
“Well Senator I haven’t read it, but still I can say
It has potential for abuse; it’s not the American Way”
How feeble an answer, so pitifully lame
But what else can you say, when its match, set and game?
They can’t do it much worse, or maybe they can
By disgracing themselves, to the last man
When a foreign leader comes hero, says we’re a racist nation
You don’t leap up and cheer, give him a standing ovation
Are they that disconnected, so without any clue?
To know how phony that looked, how offensive to view
Glitzy staged photo ops, contrived to be spun
Might work for selling cornflakes, but not a country to run
It’s no cosmic mystery, some revelation from God
Who speaks always in riddles, then judges us hard
It’s a straight forward question, not one God would give
Who has the better claim, in this country to live?
He who does it right, and shows respect for our law
Or he who gate crashes, and sneaks in the back door?
For each free pass we give, to the second one
Means one less for those, who the right thing have done
It’s not like we don’t care about those who long to be free
But consider the message, if we grant amnesty.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Famous quotes and who really said them.
Duets
1. Open your mouth and close your eyes and I'll give you something to make you wise. - Bill Clinton
It ain't over till the fat lady sings. - Monica Lewinsky
2. A man's gotta do what a mans gotta do. - Tiger Woods
Heads I win, tails you lose. - Mrs Tiger Woods
3. If you dont like it Sioux me. - George A Custer
Got you last. - Sitting Bull
4. Possession is nine points of the law- The Supreme Court
That's mitghy white of you - Dred Scot
5. I'll cross that road when I get to it.- Pontius Pilate
I'll be back. - Jesus Christ
6. Dude you the bomb! - Osama Bin Laden
Great balls of Fire. - Umar Faruk
7. Hey Shit happens. - Capt of the Titanic
Women and Children last. It's every man for himself. - Bruce Ismay
8. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. - Harry Vegas
Every man has his price. - Sen. Nelson
9. Go for broke. - George Bush
I call you and raise you. - Barrack Obama
Solos
1. There is no such thing as a bad boy. - Michael Jackson
2. If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have me no luck at al. Head Technician at Chernobyl
3. A fool and his money are soon parted. - Bernie Maddof
4. I wouldn't treat a dog that way. - Michael Vick
5. You wanna buy a duck? How about a book? A t-shirt? A coffee cup?? - Bill O'Reilly
6. When I want your opinion I'll tell you what it is. - Nancy Pelosi
7. I came to bury Ceasar, not to praise him. - Glen Beck
8. I never met a man I didn't like. - Anna Nicole Smith
9. Wait until next year. - The Mets
1. Open your mouth and close your eyes and I'll give you something to make you wise. - Bill Clinton
It ain't over till the fat lady sings. - Monica Lewinsky
2. A man's gotta do what a mans gotta do. - Tiger Woods
Heads I win, tails you lose. - Mrs Tiger Woods
3. If you dont like it Sioux me. - George A Custer
Got you last. - Sitting Bull
4. Possession is nine points of the law- The Supreme Court
That's mitghy white of you - Dred Scot
5. I'll cross that road when I get to it.- Pontius Pilate
I'll be back. - Jesus Christ
6. Dude you the bomb! - Osama Bin Laden
Great balls of Fire. - Umar Faruk
7. Hey Shit happens. - Capt of the Titanic
Women and Children last. It's every man for himself. - Bruce Ismay
8. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. - Harry Vegas
Every man has his price. - Sen. Nelson
9. Go for broke. - George Bush
I call you and raise you. - Barrack Obama
Solos
1. There is no such thing as a bad boy. - Michael Jackson
2. If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have me no luck at al. Head Technician at Chernobyl
3. A fool and his money are soon parted. - Bernie Maddof
4. I wouldn't treat a dog that way. - Michael Vick
5. You wanna buy a duck? How about a book? A t-shirt? A coffee cup?? - Bill O'Reilly
6. When I want your opinion I'll tell you what it is. - Nancy Pelosi
7. I came to bury Ceasar, not to praise him. - Glen Beck
8. I never met a man I didn't like. - Anna Nicole Smith
9. Wait until next year. - The Mets
Monday, February 1, 2010
A congradulatory message to Senator Brown from the Junior High School Snap Team at MSNBC News
You can't join our club, you're a teabagger hick
Your name should be Richard, you're such a dick
Your family so played, they need everything for free
They eat at the dumpster, and live in a tree
Get their clothes from a bin, at the Salvation Army
Always saying "Spare Change?" to everyone that they see
Cardboard boxes their furniture, A candle their lamp
When they mail a letter , they have to use a food stamp
They use public restrooms to take a pee
Look through Best Buy's window, when they watch tv
Your sister gets foreign aid, from the Haitian community
She tried working the Stroll, down in the Bowery
Couldn't get any takers, she's much too furry
Your pops goes car shopping, with a crowbar for a key
His ears all stuffed up, with seaweed and water
From the Rio Grande, when he snuck across the border
We saw a pciture of your moms, she looks like a hound
Cuts her toenails with a hacksaw, wears her weave in a mound
Her face is so busted, she went on Monster Quest
They just gave her the trophy, and sent home all the rest
Your grandma so fat, that when she takes a shower
She has to go through the car wash and it takes a whole hour
Irons her shirts in the driveway, combs her eyebrow with a rake
When she runs on all fours, it starts an earthquake
Down at the dump, she fights off the raccoon
Then eats with a shovel instead of a spoon
Scoffs up everything in sight, she's so totally crude
That when she goes camping, the bears hide their food
She jumped in the ocean, at Coney Island New York
Made sea level rise, up to the boardwalk
The people ran for their life, to get off the beach
She caused a Tsunami, each time that she breached
That's why you cant join our clique, the elite upper class
So we hope that you fail, and fall flat on your ass
Still best wishes to you and the whole family
From all we press agents, at good old MSNBC
Your name should be Richard, you're such a dick
Your family so played, they need everything for free
They eat at the dumpster, and live in a tree
Get their clothes from a bin, at the Salvation Army
Always saying "Spare Change?" to everyone that they see
Cardboard boxes their furniture, A candle their lamp
When they mail a letter , they have to use a food stamp
They use public restrooms to take a pee
Look through Best Buy's window, when they watch tv
Your sister gets foreign aid, from the Haitian community
She tried working the Stroll, down in the Bowery
Couldn't get any takers, she's much too furry
Your pops goes car shopping, with a crowbar for a key
His ears all stuffed up, with seaweed and water
From the Rio Grande, when he snuck across the border
We saw a pciture of your moms, she looks like a hound
Cuts her toenails with a hacksaw, wears her weave in a mound
Her face is so busted, she went on Monster Quest
They just gave her the trophy, and sent home all the rest
Your grandma so fat, that when she takes a shower
She has to go through the car wash and it takes a whole hour
Irons her shirts in the driveway, combs her eyebrow with a rake
When she runs on all fours, it starts an earthquake
Down at the dump, she fights off the raccoon
Then eats with a shovel instead of a spoon
Scoffs up everything in sight, she's so totally crude
That when she goes camping, the bears hide their food
She jumped in the ocean, at Coney Island New York
Made sea level rise, up to the boardwalk
The people ran for their life, to get off the beach
She caused a Tsunami, each time that she breached
That's why you cant join our clique, the elite upper class
So we hope that you fail, and fall flat on your ass
Still best wishes to you and the whole family
From all we press agents, at good old MSNBC
Saturday, January 23, 2010
It's just a got you last game, it's supposed to be funny. If you really want to go rogue, here's how it's done honey
So much sound and fury, its louder than thunder
Its got to be Sheena, Queen of the Tundra
Hi everybody, its me the ice queen
A real pretty face, with a mind not too keen
I've got rock star status, when I make the scene
My critics phobe out, in harmony they scream
A Pavlovian response, into action they jump
Like hungry seagulls, hovering over a dump
Screeching and diving, snapping their jaws
But I'm just a surrogate, for their own flaws
Born of desperaton, they're grasping at straws
Their ideologies not working, so I must be the cause
Its causing them to panic, no matter how hard they spin
It just isnt selling, reality closing in
A thought they can't bear, their demigod could fail
Then I might come back, his mistakes to avail
Its their worst nightmare, their great plans going south
So the mention of my name, makes them foam at the mouth
Sit up and bark Mr. Ed, You too Ms. Madcow
The lefts most loyal stooges, from Network Kowtow
Vitrioldberman makes three, their lapdog supreme
Spews venom at mach sped, his one song pipedream
So locked in their mindset, they cant even see
They're just spinning their wheels, waisting energy
For I've seen the elephant, and he has seen me
Jumbo thinks Dumbos a bimbo, So it's not goign to be
They treated me rudely, even called me inane
Said "Go home to hubby, you're his ball & chain"
So we've parted company, each on our own course
But don't stop yet boys, keep whipping a dead horse
I've got a new career and it promises to pay
You're hyping my book sales, and I like it that way
So if you need amping up, then here's what I say
You suck lame stream media, you're wimpy and gay
Well? Do you feel lucky punk? Go ahead make my day
If that's not enough, then here's a few more
I never recycle, I find it a bore
Load my pickup with garbage, by my side a sixpack
Sling my empties out the window, the rest slides off the back
I never turn off a light, I waste energy by the ton
What the hell is a poop scoop? Does it look like a gun?
I use trees for target practice and shoot wildlife for fun
Hollow points work the best, they really get the job done
Look there's a whooping crane, I'll get the last one
On my Cessnar two gatlings, one on each wing
Sixty tracers a second, those puppies really sing
I come from out of the sun, like a fire breathing bird
Catch the carribou grazing, I strafe the whole herd
Polar bear cubs are easy, they have no where to hide
White fur turns to red, their eyes open wide
I see canadian geese, at my three o-clock
A good thirty second burst, should take out the whole flock
I use a mortar for fishing, and it never fails
When I wear my lukcy hat, the one that says "nuke the whales"
My snow leopard fur coat, full length it took three
Endangered species what-ever, it looks better on me
OK enough Mr Nice Guy, here comes my kill shot
If this doesn't get you, then I dont know what
At all PTA dinners, I make everyone say grace
On my dart board a picture, of fat Al Gore's face
Blah Blah greenhouse effect, or so I've been told
Makes me no never mind, I live where it's cold
I hate the A.C.L.U, They should be water boarded
And every single alien, to Mexico deported
We should outlaw gay marriage, they're all going to hell
They belong in the closet, don't ask and don't tell
I'll see they get redemption, when I am the boss
They'll only take knee, to the guy on the cross
No more daisy chain, no more limp wrist parade
No more KY Jelly, for the cornhole brigade
It's for their own good, to start a new life
Join the Rotary club, take a breeder for a wife
Yes I am so right, what more can I say
They'll be oh so grateful, they'll thank me some day
Well that should be enough, to get you boys hot
So let's keep it going , show me what you got.
Its got to be Sheena, Queen of the Tundra
Hi everybody, its me the ice queen
A real pretty face, with a mind not too keen
I've got rock star status, when I make the scene
My critics phobe out, in harmony they scream
A Pavlovian response, into action they jump
Like hungry seagulls, hovering over a dump
Screeching and diving, snapping their jaws
But I'm just a surrogate, for their own flaws
Born of desperaton, they're grasping at straws
Their ideologies not working, so I must be the cause
Its causing them to panic, no matter how hard they spin
It just isnt selling, reality closing in
A thought they can't bear, their demigod could fail
Then I might come back, his mistakes to avail
Its their worst nightmare, their great plans going south
So the mention of my name, makes them foam at the mouth
Sit up and bark Mr. Ed, You too Ms. Madcow
The lefts most loyal stooges, from Network Kowtow
Vitrioldberman makes three, their lapdog supreme
Spews venom at mach sped, his one song pipedream
So locked in their mindset, they cant even see
They're just spinning their wheels, waisting energy
For I've seen the elephant, and he has seen me
Jumbo thinks Dumbos a bimbo, So it's not goign to be
They treated me rudely, even called me inane
Said "Go home to hubby, you're his ball & chain"
So we've parted company, each on our own course
But don't stop yet boys, keep whipping a dead horse
I've got a new career and it promises to pay
You're hyping my book sales, and I like it that way
So if you need amping up, then here's what I say
You suck lame stream media, you're wimpy and gay
Well? Do you feel lucky punk? Go ahead make my day
If that's not enough, then here's a few more
I never recycle, I find it a bore
Load my pickup with garbage, by my side a sixpack
Sling my empties out the window, the rest slides off the back
I never turn off a light, I waste energy by the ton
What the hell is a poop scoop? Does it look like a gun?
I use trees for target practice and shoot wildlife for fun
Hollow points work the best, they really get the job done
Look there's a whooping crane, I'll get the last one
On my Cessnar two gatlings, one on each wing
Sixty tracers a second, those puppies really sing
I come from out of the sun, like a fire breathing bird
Catch the carribou grazing, I strafe the whole herd
Polar bear cubs are easy, they have no where to hide
White fur turns to red, their eyes open wide
I see canadian geese, at my three o-clock
A good thirty second burst, should take out the whole flock
I use a mortar for fishing, and it never fails
When I wear my lukcy hat, the one that says "nuke the whales"
My snow leopard fur coat, full length it took three
Endangered species what-ever, it looks better on me
OK enough Mr Nice Guy, here comes my kill shot
If this doesn't get you, then I dont know what
At all PTA dinners, I make everyone say grace
On my dart board a picture, of fat Al Gore's face
Blah Blah greenhouse effect, or so I've been told
Makes me no never mind, I live where it's cold
I hate the A.C.L.U, They should be water boarded
And every single alien, to Mexico deported
We should outlaw gay marriage, they're all going to hell
They belong in the closet, don't ask and don't tell
I'll see they get redemption, when I am the boss
They'll only take knee, to the guy on the cross
No more daisy chain, no more limp wrist parade
No more KY Jelly, for the cornhole brigade
It's for their own good, to start a new life
Join the Rotary club, take a breeder for a wife
Yes I am so right, what more can I say
They'll be oh so grateful, they'll thank me some day
Well that should be enough, to get you boys hot
So let's keep it going , show me what you got.
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