"We couldn't say it on TV if it wasn't true"- An actual quote from a commercial in 2007

Have you ever watched TV when the whole family is asleep?
Late into the night, so low volume you keep
Then without any warning, volume jumps to a boil
Comes a screaming asshole, selling snake oil
Up so many decibels, it vibrates the walls
Rattles the windows, echoes down the halls
Hey! It’s "Awesome auger”, or "Hercules hook"
"Trust me, they work. Do I look like a crook?"
Or "Sham Wow" weasel boy, ever look in his eyes?
Would you let him date your daughter, I think not, I surmise?
Now "Video Professor", He's a real sincere guy
Sends you his "disk free", "You don't have to buy"
Costs him 50cents to print, 38cents postage fee
But he such a good guy, he "gives it to you free"
"Just pay shipping and handling", that's only fair
$6.95 on your credit card, he makes no profit there
Yo! "It’s upside down tomato plant", "80 pound yield", it's no con
They just get more absurd as the evening goes on
Their products are bogus; it’s for garbage you pay
Not a single one works the way that they say
Still they’re so ubiquitous, we never get a reprieve
The well must be deep, of those who believe
Have you ever wondered why, they all cost under twenty?
Because of government policy, due to complaints a plenty
They've neither the time nor the resources, to investigate a claim
It it’s under twenty dollars, you just lost the game
And if you think that's not true, then go for it hero
You'll get your ass kicked, nineteen ninety nine to zero
But that can't be the reason, they're all nineteen ninety nine
It’s purely coincidence, their products work fine
"You can't buy this in a store", they say that too
As if it’s exclusive, made just for you
The stores will not sell it, they can't make a dime
They all come back fro refund; it's a waste of their time
But from a post office box, try to get a rescind
Say, why not do this, try pissing in the wind?
But I don't really care, about how many they gore
It’s that blitzkrieg in volume, that's what I abhor
*The Networks disclaim it, "its not louder you see?'
"Just full saturation of sound." Are you shitting me!?
It's not just a little; it’s louder by a lot
They're lying out their asses, when they say it is not*
We need an inventor, to create a device
To switch TV to mute, when volume jumps twice
I'd buy a half a dozen, for each TV on line
But not from Billy Mays, for nineteen ninety nine.

The Raving Mute

*Thank to Joe Coz, for your insight. You put the icing on the cake, made the ending just right.