Lawyer Talk; an Interview

Lawyer Talk; an Interview
Interviewer: Ms Todaroja, you are a well known highly paid lawyer; yet on occasion you take a case on a pro-bono basis. Is that out of a sense of altruism?
Ms Todaroja: you bet, for myself that is. The only pro-bonos I take are so high profile I get more free advertisement out of it than even I can afford.
Interviewer: Do you have any future pro-bonos in mind?
Ms Todaroja: I was angling for that sick twist in Arizona who shot all those people but some other hungry bitch beat me out. It really sucks too. I’ll bet she scores a book deal and movie rights out of it to boot.
Interviewer: Moving on, you have recently petitioned the World Court to reopen the cases of those men convicted of war crimes at Nuremburg in 1946. Why?
Ms Todaroja: For the money, why else besides, there is no statute of limitation on correcting an injustice
Interviewer: But they are all so long dead. Who is paying your fee?
Ms Todaroja: My clients are the descendants of those members of the Third Reich who were so falsely accused and so wrongly convicted. They want me to get the verdicts overturned and t5herby vindicate the memories of their ancestors by restoring their honor and good names.
Interviewer: How dare you deny that the Holocaust happened or are you claiming that they were not the ones responsible?
Ms Todaroja: Both, not only did it never happen, they weren’t even the guys who did it.
Interviewer: Do you also deny the existence of the death camps like Auschwitz?
Ms Todaroja: I don’t deny their existence, only their mischaracterization as “death camps.” They were in fact protective enclaves designed to provide sanctuary for those members of society who chose to sit out the war in safety and comfort.
Interviewer: Well if they “chose” to be there then why these “protective enclaves” were surrounded by electrified barb wire and armed gun towers?
Ms Todaroja: To prevent overcrowding by keeping out those who did not want to wait for more sanctuaries to be completed for their benefit.
Interviewer: Really? Not about the “comfort.” Do you consider shoddy wooden shacks with dirty floors, no heat in the dead of winter and nothing but hard boards to sleep on comfortable?
Ms Todaroja: Another mischaracterization. They were in fact luxury townhouses where in each suite was appointed with wall to wall carpeting, central air and ergonomically firm mattresses.
Interviewer: Then what about the enforced slave labor where they were worked beyond the point of exhaustion?
Ms Todaroja: Strictly a voluntary program of exercise for those guests who chose not to avail themselves of the tennis courts. Rowing lake and riding stables provided for them.
Interviewer: Then what about the systematic starvation of you’re so called “guests,” what was that?
Ms Todaroja: Individualized diets to prevent obesity in those guests who chose not to exercise at all and instead spent all their time playing chess or lounging at the poolside behind the country club.
Interviewer: This is outrageous how can you even say these things with a straight face?
Ms Todaroja: I’m a lawyer…
Interviewer: Well then what about the gas chambers, what were they?
Ms Todaroja: state of the art chemically enhanced showers to promote proper hygiene.
Interviewer: And the crematorium?
Ms Todaroja: An oversized brick oven whose sole purpose was the baking of kosher bread and other ethnic cuisines to ensure that the cultural requirements of the guests were adhered to.
Interviewer: Then why did so many people die in these camps? How do you account from the millions of people that ceased to exist?
Ms Todaroja: I don’t because they didn’t. According to my sources the number of deaths was the same as the actuarial for a modern day community. Just one to each person. I also have a sworn affidavit from my forensic pathologist attesting to the fact that of the very few deaths which did occur, not a single one could be attr5ibuted to anything other than natural causes.
Interviewer: But the films! We all saw them. When the allies entered the camps the thousands of emaciated dead bodies being pushed by the bulldozers into open pits. How can you explain that?
Ms Todaroja: A total fabrication. The allies flew in a high tech team from Warner Bros. who used their expertise in special effects to create images of something which never happened. So as you see, if the pit does not fit then you must acquit. Hey! I like the sound of that. I think I’ll use it
Interviewer: But seriously, you don’t really expect to win this case do you?
Ms Todaroja: I not only expect to win it, I guaranty it. I’ve been a lawyer for over twenty years and I’ve never lost a case yet.
Interviewer: Not so! According to “my” sources you’ve lost more than half your cases. In fact your last client is doing life without parole. What about him?
Ms Todaroja: That’s his problem. The only way that “I” can lose is if I don’t get paid. And I always demand my fee up front. Then I tack on every “legal expense” I can think up along the way. By the time I get done with the mark, I mean client it ends up costing him at least double what he thought it would cost. You would be surprised at how much it costs for a secretary to open a letter and file it these days.
Interviewer: So your client goes to jail for life and you walk away with his money? How is that fair?
Ms Todaroja: What has fair got to do with it? Besides I’m willing to pile endless appeals on his behalf, until he bleeds out that is. Then he can go get himself a public defender. That is his right you know.
Interviewer: I see. What about your liability cases? Why is it your clients never get amount they thought they would receive?
Ms Todaroja: It’s the nature of the beast. You always file for some ridiculous amount of damages because one never knows but since most of these cases are dogs you take what you can get and walk on.
Interviewer: When you say a case is a “dog” what does that mean?
Ms Todaroja: It means that either your client’s injuries are bogus or even worse the target has short money and limited coverage; I have a number of such cases pending at the present. Every one of them is in my “dead file” and that’s where they’re going to stay until Fido gets so desperate that he accepts the original offer. Then I walk away with my 33% plus expenses and I didn’t have to lift a finger to earn it. It’s all about knowing which of these cases are even worth taking. Like a lion sitting on a hilltop observing a herd of wildebeests and singling out the cripples. Public institutions like schools and hospitals fall into that category. They are the easiest pray as they always have an “insurance fund” that they will let you take a bit out of no matter how frivolous your suit is just to get you to go away. After all why should they care? It’s not their money.
Interviewer: And that’s how you make a living?
Ms Todaroja: Not really but it does help pay the rent. The only guys who get the fat off the kennel club are the dog catchers. You know those grafters who interrupt the continuity of you TV show every 7 minutes with their Mr. sincere act telling you that if you got hurt in any way even if you did it to yourself somebody owes you money and how they want to fight for your rights. Even those boys are lucky if they see a rainmaker more than once every few weeks but since they deal in volume or even better, class action they make out all right. That is unless one of their clients happens to find out where they live.
Interviewer: That’s what I don’t understand. How can you avoid dealing with these clients until they reach the point where they will accept any settlement that suits you?
Ms Todaroja: Say what? Hello! MacFly, is anybody home? Did you ever, even once in your life call a lawyer to discuss the status of your case and his secretary was able to figure out if he was sitting right there or in court that day or not available until after she got you r name then put you on hold to check to see if he was in? Who do you think she was checking with sparky?
Interviewer: I have to say this whole business sounds very cynical to me.
Ms Todaroja: that’s only because you’ve been spoon fed of Perry Mason, Matlock and other Hollywood pipe dreams and you have no idea how the advocacy system really works.
Interviewer: Isn’t it supposed to be a search for the truth where in both sides are represented to get a fair hearing?
Ms Todaroja: In theory yes, but thanks to me and many others just like me in every facet of the legal system it has evolved into quite a different thing.
Interviewer: Can you explain how it really works?
Ms Todaroja: Sure, first comes the judge who usually just a politically appointed stooge more inclined to rule in favor of his bosses agenda than on any point of law and then try to justify his ruling by citing some obscure legal precedent which doesn’t even relate to the case. In the trade we refer to it as the “9th circuit two step” and if you don’t have the right client it’s a lock. Next comes the prosecutor, an ambitious alpha dog more concerned with his career advancement in politics that with whether or not the defendant is even guilty. We call that one “Nifonging the Piñata” although in this case it didn’t work out the way he planned it. He did however show great promise for a career in politics. Lastly comes me. My role is to maliciously trash the victims family, accuses every witness for the prosecution of lying, yell “junk science” every time a piece of evidence is introduced, then come up with the most preposterous alternative theory I can even create which points the finger at everyone but my client and just hope that there is at least one person on the jury who is stupid enough to believe that I made a case for reasonable doubt.
Interviewer: I find it hard to believe what you are saying. Aren’t you extraditing using infrequent aberrations to describe the process?
Ms Todaroja: Well maybe, but didn’t you ever wonder why there is so much pre-trial posturing and strategizing? Half of these cases are won or lost during overdrive or by getting the right venue. After that the trial is just a formality. A circus maximus designed to provide voyeur entertainment for the unwashed and an outlet for those seeking vicarious atonement for their own inner thoughts. If you don’t think so just check out the Jose defense strategy and the spectacle that took place outside the courthouse. The only thing missing from that scene was the guy selling the little Lindbergh ladders.
Interviewer: And that is how the advocacy system really works?
Ms Todaroja: Pretty much, if you throw in a convenient jail house confession sworn to have been heard by some cell mate snitch looking to buy a walk and a shit load of expert witnesses willing to sell their reputations to either side for a pay check you’ve just about got it. I really liked that expert witness who listed in credentials that he had performed over 50,000 autopsies. That was a good one; lucky for him that there were no math majors sitting at the prosecution table that day.
Interviewer: I really can’t think of anything else to ask so I guess this interview is over unless you have something else you would like to add.
Ms Todaroja: Only this, it’s called the Lawyers Anthem.
If you get busted
Don’t fret and fear
Just dial 1-800 shyster and I will appear
To fight for your rights
To help you stay free
But only for as long as you pay my fee
Accepted by the courts, first rule of the lawyers bar
The more money you have the more innocent you are
But should you run out of coin your woes will have just begun
Or as the second rules says, put a fork in him he’s done
So don’t worry about it and have yourself a good sleep
And just remember one thing.
Justice doesn’t come cheap.

T.R.M
P.S. While Shakespeare may have had it right Archie Bunker said it better. “I don’t need a lawyer I’ve already been robbed.”

Theater of the Absurd

Theater of the Absurd
Hollywood is making a sequel to the old classic “Advise and Consent” about congress and its workings. Unfortunately the title “A Thousand Clowns” has already been used so it will be called the “excellent adventures of Anthony’s Weener.” Here are my choices as to who should play the parts
The members will be played by
1) President Obama /Alfred E Newman just put their two pictures side by side and you’ll see why. What? Me Worry?
2) George Bush #2/Slip Mahoney from “the east side boys” He has the same command of language the likes to slap his subordinates around with his hat
3) Eric Holder-The Sham-Wow boy. Similar ethics and he has the same lean and hungry look. I like it not
4) Dick Chaney/ Ming the Merciless. You’d have to be an old movie buff to get this one but it works
5) John McCain/Alvin the Chipmunk. It’s that left cheek that seals the deal
6) Nancy Pelosi/Mrs. Olsen from Little House on the Prairie fits to a t. In fact it might even be her
7) Sarah Palin/Sarah Palin. Who else? Annie Oakley is dead and does anyone really think that she would share the spotlight with another woman?
8) Janette Napolitano/Moe from the three stooges. He has a better hair cut but his methods and the results are about the same. Say1 Ms Jan! Why don’t you try clicking your heels together 3 times and just keep saying I wish that the borders were safer than ever.
9) Donald Trump/Hugh Heffner. The only man alive with the same size ego and inflated opinion of himself who truly believes that every man wishes he was him. (Count how many times he says “I” in his interviews.)
10) John Edwards and Big Arnold/Both parts played by Charlie Sheen as he has been working hard practicing for the role.
11) Barney Frank/Daffy duck. He has the speech impediment and makes just as much sense when he spritzes.
12) Anthony Weiner/ Pee Wee Herman. In more ways than one there are many in D.C. on both sides of the aisle with the same Beavis and Butthead juvenile outlook about sex as Anthony. His problem was that
He thought he was so cool, could break any rule
Free to act like a fool, by showing off his tool
Then when caught in the act, claimed he wasn’t the one
Tried to deny the fact, with a foolish lie spun
But a picture speaks louder, that old smoking gun
So now Anthony’s prospects, have petered down to one
Or to put it more plainly, put a fork in him. He’s done
13) Newt Gingrich/Nobody. He’s too insignificant to even play a role. You have to be somebody before you can be a has been and for the P.C. crowd to have a something to feign indignation about. This one is for you boys, Ooops I mean “persons.”
14) The Rent’s Too Damn High guy/Uncle Remus. They have the two fliest beards I ever saw. Oh, Oh! Hope I don’t lose my job over that one. Hey. Wait a minute! I don’t even have a job. Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah

The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook

The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook
1. Abortion, an emotionally charged issue about which you couldn’t give a shit less but for public relation sake must take a stand on. Just poll your constituency to learn what your unshakable moral beliefs are on this issue (See I voted for it before I voted against it by John Kerry.)
2. Backlash-what you cause when you speak off the cuff instead of off the teleprompter (see Bushism and Biden’s tourettes by Helen Thomas.)
3. Colleague-someone who may sell you out for a plea bargain before you can do it to him (see my dearest friend by Sammy the Bull)
4. Deficit Spending-A seemingly paradoxical concept but one which can be proven mathematically that if you keep raising the debt ceiling then borrowing and spending as fast as you can it will at some point lower the national debt, reduce taxes, cure unemployment and halt inflation (see Snowjob from Ms Nancy’s financial cookbook, like Heisenburg’s uncertainty principal it can not be understood by simple logic so just take her word for it.)
5. Earmarks-something you rail against in public while hoping no one calls you on the one that you slid into the pack (just in case see the song remains the same by the G.O.P.)
6. Ethnic Pride-what you call t when any member of a minority group expresses a preference for his own culture or candidate. When whitey does it, its called racism (see double standard our mantra from the P.C. Bible.)
7. Fall Back Position-Plausible deniability and internal investigation are just two of the many weasel outs which you will learn as you go along so lets skip the rest and go to you last hole card. It’s called “yoir dire” and remember that a good jury selection consultant is worth his weight in gold (see it only takes one by Blago) “Has anyone checked this jurors bank account lately? Just Saying.”
8. Graft-an archaic pejorative word used to describe how hard working public servant supplement their income. The correct word is donation or consultancy fee (see it beats the shit out of gold from the Congressional Retires News Letter)
9. Health Care Reform-A ponderous compilation of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is something in there for each of us to buy votes by either touting it or raging against it (see we have to pass it for you to see what’s in it another gem from the wit and wisdom of Ms Nancy.)
10. Holistic Approach-A blah blah phrase you use to make a problem sound more complicated than it is when it is not in your interest to solve it (see playing the gestalt card by senator comprehensive solutions.)
11. Imminent Domain-just ask a Cherokee, he’ll tell you exactly what it means and how it works too (see lets treat them all like Injuns by Denise hasted.)
12. Misquote-What you accuse other of doing to you when you don’t think they have a tape of what you said (see I never said that by take your pick)
13. Misspoke-A palliative word used to apologize for being a lying douchebag when the tape shows up (see you TV by the gotcha boys.)
14. Nexus-Like onus or in perpetuity this is a word you should use as often as possible because you think it makes you sound more intelligent that you actually are, It’s almost as good as Vis A Vis (see don’t be a bombastard by Bill O’Reilly)
15. Political correctness-a Nouveau religion whose disciples will wage Jihad against anyone who fails to worship at their alter. Watch out for these zealots as they can end a career before it starts (see no god but our god by the A.C.L.U.)
16. Quango-A criminal organization paid to help rig voter registration while posing as a nonpartisan charity (see ACORN it saved by job by Harry Vegas.)
17. Robust-like gin up, onus, nexus, Vis a Vis, and others over used words you think it makes you sound intelligent (see patronizing the proles by take your pick.)
18. Statistics-A meaningless morass of numbers that you can make say anything you want although it’s much easier to just make up your own as you go along (see half truths are more convenient by Al Gore.) Reducing CO2 emissions is a valid cause, however the movement has been co-opted by the self serving special interest boys more concerned with profiting from their “green product” investments than with whether or not these products even provide a feasible solution. If you look into the cost (to you) in the government subsidies and to the environment in pollutants involved in the production/distillation of gas you’ll see what that’s about. So either take back the movement or don’t worry and be happy, they’ll solve the problem form us. Don’t they always? Actually in many cases they do, but only after the people become agitated enough to rise.
19. Symposium-A junk-jet with hot chicks, free booze and lobbyists that will beard you if that’s what it takes (see forty years on the gravy train by Charles Rangle.)
20. Transparency-Ironically it’s probably the only campaign promise that you’ll ever keep because in spite of your best efforts at some point the public will see right through you which is after all the definition of transparency (see it’s all about image by team Obama.)
21. Veto-A muscular hairy chest guy sporting an open shirt who thinks every woman with a good rack wants to be his goo-mah (see I sold a lot of records fronting as one by Tom Jones.) I dedicate #21 to the P.C. Police, Yo! Dudes! Lighten the fuck up! You really are insufferable.
The Raving Mute

The Annoying peoples Award-"why not? they give them for everything else?" a Ranking from 1-10

1. The young couple in the restaurant who thinks that their out of control, rampaging little weasel is as cute and entertaining to everyone else as he is to them (well maybe he is, but only in a photograph.) I give them a 3 since most of us have been there ourselves.

2. The woman in the work place cafeteria who talks incessantly about her pet, always refers to it by its breeder given name. "Say Angie? have you ever been seriously bitch slapped?" I give her and Molly, her three-year-old papillon a 4.

3.The guy who does the same thing with his car. "Yo, I can't meet with you today dude; I have to take my Mercedes to my mechanic to have it detailed." "Really? Should I alert the mechanic you dick?" He gets a 4 too, you know equal rights.

4. The scruffy looking looser hanging out in front of the strip mall who has an insatiable curiosity as to whether or not you have any "spare change." "Gee I dont know, let me check. Lets see, when I had breakfast this morning it cost $9.20, I gave the girl a ten and she gave me back 80 cents. Nope. That worked out just right. Sorry dude no spare change." Try that sometime, you can't believe how great it feels. I gave him a 5 due to the state of the economy although he'd probably be there in good times too.

5.The guy who is so convinced that out of all the thousands of religions in the world his alone is the only true path to salvation. Therefore, it is incumbent upon him to knock on your door on Saturday morning in order to give you the opportunity to become one of the glassy eyed zombies of the saved. (What can you even say to this tool that would make a difference? He means well, he just doesn't get it that I never will. He gets a 5 unless he keeps coming back. Perhaps we should be grateful that he choses a passive religion rather than one which requires him to kill non-believers to buy his way into heaven (if you get my drift.)

6.The horizontally challenged vacationer who goes out of his way to secure an aisle seat in the front of the plane so the moment it stops at the gate he can leap up and block the entire aisle with his humongous super-sized ass while he spends the next five minutes struggling incompetently to dislodge his ridiculously overstuffed steamer trunk from the overhead. "Hey! He's in a hurry and doesn't like to be held up by other people." If you have ever been on a snowbird flight then you know what I am talking about. A solid 6

7.The little tough guy in front of you in the deli breakfast line, who takes out his cell, calls his work site and proceeds to berate his crew in an overly loud and profane manner. "I'll tell you what dipshit, I'll fucking be there in fifteen fucking minutes and that fucking project better be well fucking under way or I'm going to kick some ass." (While he keeps glancing around to see if everyone is duly impressed with how large and in charge he is.) I wonder if there is even someone on the other end of the line. Or if it's possible that this guy could actually be an even bigger asshole than he appears to be. He gets upwards of a 6 depending on how early it is, and what you have to look forward to for the rest of the fucking day.

And the Winner Is:
8. The self appointed road marshal who drives in the left hand or passing lane on the parkway at exactly 55 miles per house while making sure he keeps pace with the cars on his right because, "afterall, its the law! And besides there is no reason for anyone to go faster anyway." Boy does this hump need to ride "Old Sparky." I'd flip the switch on him myself if no one else volunteered. In fact, this man may be the last remaining valid arguement for capital punisment in a civilized society. He gets the 10.

Addendum
A small consolation award for a lifetime of services, you know, sort of like the Oscar The Duke got.
9. Your septuagenarian neighbor who hands out at the end of his driveway by his mailbox as if someone would actually send him something of importance. And whom you must avoid eye contact with, unless you want to spend the next half an hour listening to how the world has been going down hill since Frankie Valley went off the charts. "Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wah, walk like a man my Sah-Uh-Uh-Un." I used to tell my relatives, Jesus if I ever get like that, please shoot me, but now i have to change my tune. Such is the march of time.

The Raving Mute