1. The young couple in the restaurant who thinks that their out of control, rampaging little weasel is as cute and entertaining to everyone else as he is to them (well maybe he is, but only in a photograph.) I give them a 3 since most of us have been there ourselves.
2. The woman in the work place cafeteria who talks incessantly about her pet, always refers to it by its breeder given name. "Say Angie? have you ever been seriously bitch slapped?" I give her and Molly, her three-year-old papillon a 4.
3.The guy who does the same thing with his car. "Yo, I can't meet with you today dude; I have to take my Mercedes to my mechanic to have it detailed." "Really? Should I alert the mechanic you dick?" He gets a 4 too, you know equal rights.
4. The scruffy looking looser hanging out in front of the strip mall who has an insatiable curiosity as to whether or not you have any "spare change." "Gee I dont know, let me check. Lets see, when I had breakfast this morning it cost $9.20, I gave the girl a ten and she gave me back 80 cents. Nope. That worked out just right. Sorry dude no spare change." Try that sometime, you can't believe how great it feels. I gave him a 5 due to the state of the economy although he'd probably be there in good times too.
5.The guy who is so convinced that out of all the thousands of religions in the world his alone is the only true path to salvation. Therefore, it is incumbent upon him to knock on your door on Saturday morning in order to give you the opportunity to become one of the glassy eyed zombies of the saved. (What can you even say to this tool that would make a difference? He means well, he just doesn't get it that I never will. He gets a 5 unless he keeps coming back. Perhaps we should be grateful that he choses a passive religion rather than one which requires him to kill non-believers to buy his way into heaven (if you get my drift.)
6.The horizontally challenged vacationer who goes out of his way to secure an aisle seat in the front of the plane so the moment it stops at the gate he can leap up and block the entire aisle with his humongous super-sized ass while he spends the next five minutes struggling incompetently to dislodge his ridiculously overstuffed steamer trunk from the overhead. "Hey! He's in a hurry and doesn't like to be held up by other people." If you have ever been on a snowbird flight then you know what I am talking about. A solid 6
7.The little tough guy in front of you in the deli breakfast line, who takes out his cell, calls his work site and proceeds to berate his crew in an overly loud and profane manner. "I'll tell you what dipshit, I'll fucking be there in fifteen fucking minutes and that fucking project better be well fucking under way or I'm going to kick some ass." (While he keeps glancing around to see if everyone is duly impressed with how large and in charge he is.) I wonder if there is even someone on the other end of the line. Or if it's possible that this guy could actually be an even bigger asshole than he appears to be. He gets upwards of a 6 depending on how early it is, and what you have to look forward to for the rest of the fucking day.
And the Winner Is:
8. The self appointed road marshal who drives in the left hand or passing lane on the parkway at exactly 55 miles per house while making sure he keeps pace with the cars on his right because, "afterall, its the law! And besides there is no reason for anyone to go faster anyway." Boy does this hump need to ride "Old Sparky." I'd flip the switch on him myself if no one else volunteered. In fact, this man may be the last remaining valid arguement for capital punisment in a civilized society. He gets the 10.
Addendum
A small consolation award for a lifetime of services, you know, sort of like the Oscar The Duke got.
9. Your septuagenarian neighbor who hands out at the end of his driveway by his mailbox as if someone would actually send him something of importance. And whom you must avoid eye contact with, unless you want to spend the next half an hour listening to how the world has been going down hill since Frankie Valley went off the charts. "Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wah, walk like a man my Sah-Uh-Uh-Un." I used to tell my relatives, Jesus if I ever get like that, please shoot me, but now i have to change my tune. Such is the march of time.
The Raving Mute
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