The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook

The Freshman Legislator’s Dictionary/Handbook
1. Abortion, an emotionally charged issue about which you couldn’t give a shit less but for public relation sake must take a stand on. Just poll your constituency to learn what your unshakable moral beliefs are on this issue (See I voted for it before I voted against it by John Kerry.)
2. Backlash-what you cause when you speak off the cuff instead of off the teleprompter (see Bushism and Biden’s tourettes by Helen Thomas.)
3. Colleague-someone who may sell you out for a plea bargain before you can do it to him (see my dearest friend by Sammy the Bull)
4. Deficit Spending-A seemingly paradoxical concept but one which can be proven mathematically that if you keep raising the debt ceiling then borrowing and spending as fast as you can it will at some point lower the national debt, reduce taxes, cure unemployment and halt inflation (see Snowjob from Ms Nancy’s financial cookbook, like Heisenburg’s uncertainty principal it can not be understood by simple logic so just take her word for it.)
5. Earmarks-something you rail against in public while hoping no one calls you on the one that you slid into the pack (just in case see the song remains the same by the G.O.P.)
6. Ethnic Pride-what you call t when any member of a minority group expresses a preference for his own culture or candidate. When whitey does it, its called racism (see double standard our mantra from the P.C. Bible.)
7. Fall Back Position-Plausible deniability and internal investigation are just two of the many weasel outs which you will learn as you go along so lets skip the rest and go to you last hole card. It’s called “yoir dire” and remember that a good jury selection consultant is worth his weight in gold (see it only takes one by Blago) “Has anyone checked this jurors bank account lately? Just Saying.”
8. Graft-an archaic pejorative word used to describe how hard working public servant supplement their income. The correct word is donation or consultancy fee (see it beats the shit out of gold from the Congressional Retires News Letter)
9. Health Care Reform-A ponderous compilation of the good, the bad and the ugly. There is something in there for each of us to buy votes by either touting it or raging against it (see we have to pass it for you to see what’s in it another gem from the wit and wisdom of Ms Nancy.)
10. Holistic Approach-A blah blah phrase you use to make a problem sound more complicated than it is when it is not in your interest to solve it (see playing the gestalt card by senator comprehensive solutions.)
11. Imminent Domain-just ask a Cherokee, he’ll tell you exactly what it means and how it works too (see lets treat them all like Injuns by Denise hasted.)
12. Misquote-What you accuse other of doing to you when you don’t think they have a tape of what you said (see I never said that by take your pick)
13. Misspoke-A palliative word used to apologize for being a lying douchebag when the tape shows up (see you TV by the gotcha boys.)
14. Nexus-Like onus or in perpetuity this is a word you should use as often as possible because you think it makes you sound more intelligent that you actually are, It’s almost as good as Vis A Vis (see don’t be a bombastard by Bill O’Reilly)
15. Political correctness-a Nouveau religion whose disciples will wage Jihad against anyone who fails to worship at their alter. Watch out for these zealots as they can end a career before it starts (see no god but our god by the A.C.L.U.)
16. Quango-A criminal organization paid to help rig voter registration while posing as a nonpartisan charity (see ACORN it saved by job by Harry Vegas.)
17. Robust-like gin up, onus, nexus, Vis a Vis, and others over used words you think it makes you sound intelligent (see patronizing the proles by take your pick.)
18. Statistics-A meaningless morass of numbers that you can make say anything you want although it’s much easier to just make up your own as you go along (see half truths are more convenient by Al Gore.) Reducing CO2 emissions is a valid cause, however the movement has been co-opted by the self serving special interest boys more concerned with profiting from their “green product” investments than with whether or not these products even provide a feasible solution. If you look into the cost (to you) in the government subsidies and to the environment in pollutants involved in the production/distillation of gas you’ll see what that’s about. So either take back the movement or don’t worry and be happy, they’ll solve the problem form us. Don’t they always? Actually in many cases they do, but only after the people become agitated enough to rise.
19. Symposium-A junk-jet with hot chicks, free booze and lobbyists that will beard you if that’s what it takes (see forty years on the gravy train by Charles Rangle.)
20. Transparency-Ironically it’s probably the only campaign promise that you’ll ever keep because in spite of your best efforts at some point the public will see right through you which is after all the definition of transparency (see it’s all about image by team Obama.)
21. Veto-A muscular hairy chest guy sporting an open shirt who thinks every woman with a good rack wants to be his goo-mah (see I sold a lot of records fronting as one by Tom Jones.) I dedicate #21 to the P.C. Police, Yo! Dudes! Lighten the fuck up! You really are insufferable.
The Raving Mute